Old ways

It seems I am going back to old ways - trembling before the computer.While I am writing this post in an attempt to sublimate my desire to go on to porn, I was about to download a porn video of a star called "Spencer Reed". Now I realize I do not want that on my hard drive, apart from the fact I am not aroused by this, any of it and yet I still seek it.

Reed speaks about his life on his blog: "Philip and I are moving in together, it is so great to have such a person in my life...". Yes, while I and others fawn over his videos, where he is absent, he is present somewhere in space, going about his business (apart from pornography) and living his life.

Why did I click "I understand and I wish to continue" before I entered his blog. I am still navigating the google search I have typed in, as always do, but now I am not trembling, or quivering, I am typing. I feel empowered, but at the same time I am aware that I am not disciplined enought to just pull out the modem and stop. I already did that earlier and here I am back again. This blog is my saving grace.

I still seek it and I wonder why. Yes I just clicked on a "I do not wish to continue". Great stuff!

And guess what by saying "no" I end up at the blogger dashboard. The two tabs I have open are harmonized, they are both on my blog! Rather than spiralling out of control and searching for other sites, I found my stable place, where I am writing. There is harmony and the modem is out.

It is over. It is really over.

No matter the fact that I want to see more, really there is nothing for me to gain. Nothing that I can benefit from here, nothing that will bring peace to my spirit or satisfaction to my body. Only the Lord can do that. It is 11:40pm and I going to bed.