‘Oh oh oh I’m in love with Judas, Judas’ goes the song by Lady Gaga that I listen to at work. I would be lying if I said it was how I feel, because I am in love with Jesus and right now it’s 5:05 am. A few minutes back, I had one of my fantasy sessions with my lover right after reading Psalm 63; the Psalm that speaks to true body and spirit desire for Him. In any case, the Gaga song is catchy, but I would disagree with it on the point she sings ‘Jesus is my virtue, but Judas is the demon I cling, I cling too’. Judas was certainly no demon. He was a human being who actually followed Jesus. He was the one who betrayed Him, but was this really so reprehensible? About three weeks ago, we had our Heroes Day weekend (26 Aug) in Namibia and I went up to the north of the country to visit my grandmother, have my cousin take her to the hospital (though my dad should have done but he is unfortunately pretty ‘flaky’ – unreliable – when it comes such things) but he did end up coming through in the end we took my grandma home in his car after we visited the dentist (who studied in Cuba – like many Namibians – and I spoke to a bit in Spanish, though ideally I should have spoken to in Oshiwambo (my dad’s mother tongue)). The north of Namibia is flat with palm trees and white sand, almost like beach sand. On the way to my grandmothers house my dad tried to ride up the side of the road and the car got stuck, on the ridge of this gravel road. We were there for about an hour and half. Thanks to the Lord and our efforts we managed to jack up the car and he could reverse. I enjoyed the sunset then as I could see this giant red, then pink, disk descend on the horizon. In New Jersey I never saw the horizon.
Well on the way home to Windhoek my dad, a singer called Blossom and myself had this discussion about this lady Gaga song. Blossom is an acoustic guitarist singer and my father is her agent of sorts. On the way we stopped on the side of the road to take pictures of her with the grassy landscape and his of the north central region. My dad started photography again by shooting these promotional pictures. Good for him. But our debate centered on the Judas song. Blossom eschewed the lyrics claiming they were evil, offensive to her as a Christian and incited evil actions. I did not agree. Eventually, we had this philosophical discussion on whether Judas was actually evil. My dad presented the case of Judas doing something necessary, even though he betrayed Jesus, it was not by chance, as if it were just by chance that Jesus was condemned to death. Blossom still argued that what he did was wrong and Jesus would have been killed anyway. But would He?
I wonder. Nonetheless, I loved that road trip with my dad. It reminded me of how when we were younger, he would talk about the Bible with us after reading it, questioning the obvious. My dad also loved the Jesus films. ‘Jesus is my hero’ I remember him saying.
Soon after when we got home, my dad returned to his busy life and so did I. I called him the next day to tell him I had gotten the Fulbright grant to do my masters in epidemiology and he was happy. I spent much time over the next few days writing up personal statements and thinking about where I would study in the US again. The following Saturday we were invited to a barbeque by my Venezuelan friend Raquel. I knew about the BBQ (what is a parilla in Venezuela, braai in Namibia) for about two weeks and told my mom. I prepared some guacamole, some Bulgarian yoghurt, dill and cucumber salad (tarator) and took some meat form the Freezer. We went off and picked up a young lady – Suama – who was from a rural town up north east. She told me she was writing her final grade 12 (senior year) exams soon. She wanted to do ‘something with the body’ , like a beautician of sorts. She told me this on the way. ‘Do you all have your seatbelts on’ Raquel asked us and I did, my mom did, Suama did not and she put it on. Not much later we were swerving of the gravel road. Another gravel road, but this one we had never been too before and it led to the Oanab Dam where the braai would take place. Oh how we rolled and then luckily landed back on the ‘car’s feet’. Do I describe in detail what happened next? Suffice it to say, Suama ended up showing she could calmly add disinfectant my mother’s head wound. I advised her later when were in the nearby Rehoboth St Mary’s Hospital to consider medicine. Actually I said that when were also at the accident, right after me and her got out of the car and she nursed my mothers wound.
So is now the time to say it? Praise the Lord. We survived. The stiches have been removed from my mother’s head wound. Suama is fine (she was shaken a bit), Raquel, I hope is recovering well, should call her, she has whiplash. I just have an inflamed tendonitis of the knee, but I am going to physiotherapy and icing so it should get better. Since then I have not been able to do my dance, the one I added too while my dad and blossom were taking photos on the side of the road and I was playing around. I praise the Lord for what I can do though, walking normally. This is my chance to come back stronger than I was before.
Surviving the accident really put some things in perspective. First I experienced what it meant to be hurt. I remember receiving and email update from Mana Christian fellowship and Sumin saying she got hurt in China (was during a concert, she fell in some pit or what) and I felt that. I realize now I could have prayed harder for her recovery – did I realize what exactly this meant? I had to come to terms with my own fragility. I am not only fragile, but as professor Cornel West so articulately put (I listened to a podcast with his 2006 Barry Ulanov lecture!) to be human is to realize I am destined for death and between now and then is my chance to do something. Do I just accept complacency, cowardice and the current circumstances or do I do something in spite of all that? Listening to a podcast by Bishop Gene Robinson, I found out, really the only thing I can offer other people is ‘the story of my own salvation’ especially members of this same Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Intersex community I see myself part off.
The second thin in perspective is just taking it easy. ‘Relax take it easy…’ goes that song by Milka and I definitely agree! I may have problems at work of me not communicating well with my boss and colleagues, delivering after the deadline, up to the point of my boss doubting whether I am ‘the right person for the job’ which caused me a bit of anxiety yesterday, but you know what, it don’t matter because I am alive. I am alive and we worked out a good ‘action plan’ from now on. The type of work I do at this public health organization is like consulting and I am so blessed to be working with my colleague Natasha who has offered to mentor me in this field. ‘Our first year in consulting is our training year, so we do get a bit of stick…’ she was telling me. So how did I end up in such a job? It is very stimulating, but hey, still it is after all just a job and I will be taking care of my health so no more late nights at the office (which I did often before the accident) or anything like that. I am only human after all. And did I mention Natasha is Christian, from Aruba and we get to speak Spanish in the office?
The third I realized, (I now realize there are more than three things I learnt from this experience), is the shortness of life! Ok here I want to write about something. What is it? Falling in love. Am I in love? Right after the accident, I called up this boy – Michael – who called me just before it happened, but I did not answer his call. I was quite impressed with his concern though upon hearing about what happened to me. I wanted to go out on another date with him, as we had our first date the week earlier. That same Saturday of the accident, I had a date set with another boy, Riaan. Riaan though did not call me, as usual he just texted. I told him I was in an accident, but for some reason, which was kind off a turn off he asked ‘so are we still on tonight?’ We rescheduled for the following week, but he totally bailed on me, as he actually confirmed our date. So I went out on a second date with this black boy Michael and never heard back from the white boy Riaan. Race I think does matter, because my general attraction for white boys must stem from the years of indoctrination that presented white people as the pinnacles of beauty. Being with Michael on the second date made me realize it matters so little, actually. But I am not with Michael. After the seocnd date, I wrote this poem
How do I write this piece?
On a paper or just in my heart?
Perhaps neither – in this computer – will suffice.
How do I write about you when I am not in love?
I just wanted to be held and hold you in that embrace.
Outside the Church and in the light
What a beautiful night.
Questa non è una ossessione, anzi è solo il fatto che sei affascinante,
E non ce la faccio a rinnegare questi pensieri di te.
Questo fascino.
Un abbraccio erotico ma non satanico
Pieno di eros ma niente lussuria
Direi
So that was my second date, with the first guy I have dated.
Will we date, I don’t know, we’ll wait and see how I feel tomorrow.
He knows I still look at guys as they pass go
So we will have to see
But let it be, what should be.
I did not feel like I wanted him tomorrow. Honestly, not really. I dreamt of meeting a Guataemalan guy at my work who was waiting outside my boss’s office, where a meeting was underway. I did not dream of him. I never actually approached him – he approached me one day at the shopping mall. There is no reason to keep seeing him. Yes, I have resolved, I have taken the decision, that we just be friends. There is still much I can share with him. He is a believer too.
Now I want to move on to speak about people I miss. I miss Craig Schindewolf quite strongly. I dreamt of him sometime ago, some days after the accident. He had longer curly hair. I think I was projecting how I look now onto him. I tried calling him on his cell phone, but each time I get voicemail. Where is he? Is he alright? He wrote too me on that Manna poster with the big group photo ‘thanks for being a true friend’. But why ‘thanks’ and the ‘being’? Was that it? Should our friendship end? Just because of the physical distance, une separation de corps?
Alright its 5:59. Time to do yoga and ice my knee. Time to get ready. A new day. The break of morn.
P.S. I would also like to know about your love lives and I want your advice on what to do next. All of my non-Christian or let me say, non self defining Christian friends such as Chinonto, Mariel, Jacob Denz, Lady Adjepong, would give me feedback and affirmation. But I know that some of Christian friends may not, simply because they can’t affirm something they believe to wrong. I am glad though that Rich Lopez posted a video update of his to song ‘Firework’ by Katie Perry. I love that song and have it even more since then. The lonely guy in the bar who intrepidly goes up and kisses another guy amidst the crowd. Singing that video, Rich, is affirmation enough. Although I could never do that, well not only because I would not have the guts to do it, but more so because I am work in public health and I think about Hepatitis B…yes it can be spread through droplets in the air and in Namibia it seems about 6% or so of the working population is positive for the Hep B surface antigen, which means they are actively infected (correct me if I am wrong Peter, perhaps you can explain the Hepatitis B story in simple way for us all).
