Seeing myslef, my true self from the outside, seated, crossleged like some Buddha. I took part in a positive thinking course about three weeks ago. Exactly. I was there to find out about this organization called ‘Burma Khumaris’ lifelong university. And I did. They gave the course. Or should I say he gave the course, the one Dutch man that runs the house just across from Louis Botha store. I was seated there and really I listened to the tape he put on for us as we closed our eyes. My cousin was there, two of them actually you. They sat on chairs while I was on the ground on a cushion.
The breathing I experienced was unbelievably profound. I realized my potential is so infinite and it starts with me and the thoughts I bring into this existence.
It was as if I hovered above myself and saw me from afar.
I especially want to recall that experience now. I can now hear the voice of that man on the tape, a calm, soothing voice as if he came straight from an aristocratic residence in the 17th century.
I am a person. I have a great deal of potential. I am free to do what I want.
So then I am free to approach my role within the new organization, LGBTI as I see fit. The founder, or one of them, of the organization wants me to do a hell lot more. He came up to me , or I actually came up to him at the end of the party last night to say good bye. It was particularly successful party for our community and I was set to leave, with my friend Chinonto who came from his party just to drive me home. Then this man, whom I had first just known as a face on a social network who I then came to know as an impassioned individual began talking to me about how I need to take the lead:
“From what you wrote on your blog, it seems you want nothing to do with LGBTI. You must take the lead – look at this, we had to create the forms ourselves and do it all ourselves.” I could only listen though I felt how unsettling this conversation had become. “Don’t shy away from your duties, take the lead…” he kept on saying, like papa bear talking to baby bear or a teacher to a student or a boss to his new employee. But he is not any of these to me, so why this tone? Now when I think on it, it seems rather insidious like someone trying to lure me into his cult. A cult! “Just imagine, the gays have dragged me into their, OUR, cult!”
But I know it is not so. I am just reacting to how I felt. He wants more from me that I am willing to give and that was all I could actually say to him then in there, amongst all those people and the loud music and I leaned to him so I could be heard “I am willing, but I don’t how much I can give.”
“Well than ask for help, we are all volunteers.” So he did say. I realize now I was subjected to an unnerving charismatic talk. It was unnerving because I did not make my self heard. I wanted to say that I when I agreed to join as a ‘research co-ordinator’ I was elated at the prospect of ‘research’ – as generic as it sounds – without realizing what I was getting myself into. The whole organization needs support. I am willing to help get there on its feet, but beyond that I would like to exercise my autonomy. I want to chose what projects constitute as research for me. I know there are a slew of operational things that will need to run once a whole ‘monitoring and evaluation’ department starts. I do not want to that. Not me.
There are a lot of challenges one faces when joining any new movement. Especially when it is a new movement and especially when it seeks to achieve a social aim. I wonder what experience the revolutionaries faced when they enlisted. What am I revolutionary? But I have thought of the members of the movement as ‘rainbow warriors’ so I believe it is not such a far fetched metaphor. All I want though is to learn more about research in epidemiology and anthropology. I can put myself to the challenges of adopting statistics capture software to questionnaires created by the organization or following a same-sex couple’s journey through the adoption process. Yet I realize that to have an organization that is operational a lot more hard work, even monotonous, work is needed. Moreover, I sense they (the trustees of the organization) want a lot more from me. They want what I am willing to contribute.
“The trustees don’t trust you, they have a lot of faith in you, but don’t trust you. You have to prove yourself.” Prove yourself. I heard that so many times when I spoke to this same person who (co)-founded the movement. I dare not mention his name, lest someone identify who he is.
Prove myself. I am not here to prove myself to anyone. Honestly. That was what I wanted to say. This man, though, has such a charismatic way, that his smile quelled any efforts to resist. Estuve ante su discurso, callado y por esto de acuerdo con todo lo que decía. I was dumb befote him and tacitly showing my consent to all that he had to say. And of course, he closed of the conversation with a grab to my shoulder, a gentle pat so that he could say “I like you” as I walked away.
I had just experience charismatic leadership first hand, I am sure my father experienced years ago with SWAPO, the movement that defined his youth (and perhaps even now).
What I do now? I just keep myself low key. I will be what the anthropologists call ‘a participant observer,’ and wait to see what will happen. Upon their request, I will make my position clear though, about my research objectives.
I am at peace though, knowing this is all part of my experience. If I am to ever to anthropology, I need to be prepared to work with people and enter into their worlds and negotiate when their agendas don’t correspond with my own. Is this what it means to observe and know human beings? Go in deep enough for you to have a good look, but still not so deep that you can’t come out to tell everyone you have been there
