Las Tensiones que animan mi vida

Alvarez, not Juan my friend, former roommate (for a week in Arezo) and classmate, but Alvarez the name of a woman writer who once said “it is through writing that we live the many lives that we cannot in real life.” I read this at the American Cultural Center one day when I was perusing the shelves – favorite procrastination pass time. I was supposed to be doing something related to my GRE prep (only a month and half left to go and I will be done with them!).But I cannot sit on the computer (good thing I am doing the paper based GRE), I hate it, and yet I am here, because the notepad I find too tedious. Ironically, I believe the notepad is doomed to disposal and with it my scribbles, while the laptop has some enduring quality. In fact, laptop bits and bytes are no less ephemeral than the writings on paper, if not more. At a click of a button they are gone, a the drop of water in the inner workings of the machine and they are scrambled forever.

Today was a fairly beautiful day. I was fortunate enough to run in the Italian lady I met here – signora Barbara Castelli. We had so much fun catching up, since she was away. Wait, should I be writing this in Italian now? How can I best conceal that fact that I am actually deeply an English thinking person, though I pass much of my time speaking and pondering in other tongues? Non importa, l’unica cosa che conta è che ti arrichia la vitta, la esistenza parlando in altre lingue, bensi che non le comandi, non le parli o pensi quanto bene che l’inglese, ma in fatti, pensiamo più profandamente in queste lingue straniere di quanto uno pensa, siccome possiamo usarli per esprimere quei desideri i quali sessuali o volgari che temiamo dire nel linguaggio materno per la stigma.

Lo spagnolo è più difficile di quanto uno pensa - Spanish is more difficult that one thinks it to be (said Barbara). Now I will surely be able to maintain and develop Italian whilst learning the langauge of Cervantes (its linguistic “cousin”. And what of my own language, Oshiwambo? I am learning it, albeit, at a slow pace, my own pace, using the book I downloaded from the net – that treatise of language Te ti, a self teaching guide complete with exercise that certain intrepid and dedicated peace corps volunteers put together with the help of the Oshindonga speakers they met here. There is so much tension between my learning and wielding of these languages. Like there is in between me composing my dances, writing to friends about Christ and our gay identity, being Namibian and Bulgaria, man and gay and who knows what else. “Sometimes, this tension threatens to tear us asunder”, says Alvarez.

I hope it will not. Yes, I will say, because I believe it, by the Lord’s grace I will find what is best!

I want your love!

“I want you love, love, love, love, I want your love…Jesus” Really I do and not just because Lady Gaga sings about it. She is caught in a bad romance, without sex, which is why she laments throughout the whole song. I, on the other hand, am in a relationship where sex and love – Eros – imbues it with meaning. Jesus is my lover!

“That’s crazy!” was what Abdul said yesterday when we were talking about sex with Jesus. The conversation over the dinner table in our small kitchen astounded me: we were really going deep into what it meant for me to fantasize and experience the Holy Spirit in the most orgasmic of ways. We were talking about Christianity, and yet we ventured into territory some would consider blasphemous. We were have a Shabbat dinner, but it was not Jewish – Pork and beef with Greek tzitzaki – totally not kosher. We ate well, but we did not indulge or overeat: Bienque d’habitude je suis un gourmande, cette fois-là la gourmandie n’a pas figuré au cours du diner : On a résisté à tout manger, puisque il fallait qu’il y avait de la bouffe pour mon frère qui était ailleurs. Néanmoins, on s’est bien remplie surtout avec le buffet que la bonne compagnie nous a offert.

Nous avons mangé et parlé et marché dehors pour lui trouver un taxi et on a prié ! Quelle joie !

So Jesus thank you so much. Si il mio amico è rimasto un po’ perplesso del mio discorso del eros con Gesù, ma nonostante tutto ciò, l’amore di Dio – quelle che è al di là di ogni piacere fisco, ci collegava in una compresione straordinaria. La fraternita. Poi oggi, il mio fratellion, si fratellina bensì sia più grande e alto di me, mangiava la zupa di fronte a me alla tavola. La zupa che io avevo preparato e reso bella – proprio da mangiare in un ristorante – ordonata da tre foglie de menta su un cucchiaio di yoghurt messo nella zupa arancione di lentiche. Appetizzante!

Now, is the time I conclude this blog entry. I need to write letters. I accumulate so many letters, many of them unfinished, or transcribed on paper and never sent. I often feel burdened by the vastness of it all, the cyber facebook universe and how many people I can write to as a result. As for the post, I use, but I guess I never post letters that I was supposed to. So now I will write some letters, those that are overdue. And then I will request mailing addresses for those who have written letters waiting for them.

I need to send a letter to my mother who is on holiday in Bulgaria. But she will be back before it reaches her, so then I will then just wait.

So then I need to get the addresses of :

Rickie Siegel

Coleman Conaley

Sagrado Nova-Flores

Mohammed Soushi

It is dusk, the Sabbath is almost over. I like to spend these last few moments writing to my dear friends.

Posts for End of July 2010

Frid 30 July

I AM AT THE LAST STAGES NOW - JUST HAVE THIS FEE TO PAY . I applied to grad school in South Africa at WITS University! Prasie the Lord, after so many obstacles, bureaucracy has not triumphed over my resolve to apply.

Sat 31 July

Chisha’s Birthday! I need to call her, I almost forgot. But this is what is great about a blog, it allows you to reflect on the day and not just on the events, on the actual date itself which in itself reminds of things. Chisha is one my best friends, we met here in grade 1 (first grade). She was so slender like a deer – and just as elegant – then. Very intelligent and still is. I wish her all the best of health and happiness!

I just spoke to Chisha. She is at the beach in Walvis Bay by the waves “Can’t you hear the waves” she asked as I spoke to her over the phone, imagining her by the shore with Chister, he boyfriend by her side. They went skydiving this morning! That was her surprise birthday present. Imaginate, si sono lanciati da un aereo a migliaia di metri sopra la terra e per trenta secondi, second lei, cadi liberamente e poi ti appre la paracaduta e atteraggi al corso di cinque minuti piano piano.

I just realized that I have a life. I have always had one, even when I was at Princeton. Even when I wrote my thesis in that week of weeks – the last week of April 2010, I still had dinner, still had conversations, even though I felt quite stressed. This weekend has been great so far. The Sabbath was peaceful yesterday evening this afternoon. Though I keep the Sabbath, I am not a convert to Judaism and its beliefs – just now I was having a pork Goulash and it was delicious. I am Christian. But since I have a number of Jewish friends, at Princeton I learnt to go to the CJL and spend time with them. I could not keep the Sabbath when I was a student, really my life was just overloaded and not conducive to doing it. Now I can.

Pakistan is experiencing the worst floods in collective memory. I should do something – so I am going to donate to the Red Cross. I was having a lovely dinner with Claudia, an Italian lady who lives in Finland who is the legal guardian of Marta, a four year old Namibian girl who was orphaned. People are scrambling, trying to flee the flooded areas and seeking their loved ones. I was at ease knowing my brother is safe in our house and that we live a semi arid land where floods are unheard off. People are at risk of water borne disease. I take my health for granted often. Is there anything wrong with this picture?

Lord help me to be your light.

During dinner we spoke of a Giovanni. “Giovanni Giobbe” ho ditto io, “È Sicilliano” “Come lo sapevi?” le ho chiesto stupidito dal fatto che riconosce le origini del unico Giovanni nella mia vita – quello “del collegio” colla barba e i baffi – il bello tipo che ear il compagno di stanza “il roomo” di Dro di cui ero inamorato per i primi tre mesi della mia esperianza indemnticabile “al collegio” in Italia. Mi piace poter pensare alla gente, che posso vissualizzarli – i miei amici – anche se sono lontano fisicamente e poi che posso pregare per loro. Le preghiere contanono, si contano e aiutano.

Grazi a te o Signore.

I also had a chance to go to Church youth group today! I danced in the grass.

Soy ballongo y cuando empiezo no paro de ballar. En el jardín de nuestra iglesia hay un árbol alrededor del que hay es verde y estuve balando mientras que los “hermanos” – aquellos hombres que desean ser curas – cantaban y tocaban las tamborines

Me puse alegre siempre cuando la gente toca o canta y quiero moverme

¡La vida es carnaval y las penas se van cantando!

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus,

Life is great, without you it would be meaningless,

Please help always to invite to dinner when I say grace, as I did tonight and let me mean it!

Apparently, the Virgin Mary at Fatima said that we must pray for souls to be saved. In her words, this means praying “Oh My Jesus, save us from the fires of hell, bring all souls to heaven, especially those in most need of your mercy.”

I am not sure whether this entails conversion or just plain salvation, no matter what the person does. I think it means both.

In any case, I think the essence of this prayer is that people are really in trouble, on this earth, suffering, because of the human condition. To bring them to heaven, to save them, is of course to redeem them from the human condition – what some refer to as evil or the devil. I pray this is what we can do, because whether or not you care about the afterlife, people in this life are suffering and need us!