Dear Blog,
There is so much one could write about so where do I start? Well, why don't I just begin by thanking the Lord. Thank you Jesus. That's a start. Now you may ask 'for what?' but is this as important. Well of course it is otherwise you would not be reading this blog post.
Thank you Lord for my brother and that tomorrow is his 19th Birthday. Thank you Lord for Him in my life. I asked my parents for a brother about 19 years ago (I think) and they agreed. Our relationship is kind of frigid and cold at times, since I am twenty something and starting with my life as a gay man and he does not take kindly to the fact I am openly gay (or that I would be seen outside the house in tights or ladies shoes), but still I love his sarcastic approach to it 'How can you be Christian and gay...unfortunately you are going to hell,' He said that one day at the dinner table, I was moving past the fridge and he was still sitting down and the way he said it, especially the 'unfortunately' just made me crack up.
Then there is the way he sometimes swallows his words. Yesterday I gave him a pencil 'The New Otjihereo dictionary ' ( a new one from Otjiherero to English done by a Namibia Herero lady that lives in Rochester, NY) . That was what was written on the pencil – I got it from the launch. It was neon yellow (I guess I could have given him the neon pink one, I am sure he would still have taken it, I mean it's a pencil). He mumbled 'thank you'. The way he mumbles just melts my heart. When he does that I am ready to cook for him, even bring his food to his room (which I NEVER do) just because of how adorable he is. He has grown, much taller than me and I dare say more handsome.
Tomorrow, I think I will have some fun though – I am going to 'cake him'. My mother bought a cream, massproduced, cake for about U$3.15. I could hardly call it cheap given the number of people who live less than a dollar a day here, but honestly, its so mass produced, not that tasty and just about the right size for someone to smack it into your face. At Mana Christian Fellowship, I know how the students ,friends, fellow Christians used to that for each other. Somehow, I missed this rite of passage. I never was caked by them, though I do not resent that at all, because I still felt love there and still do from my friends and other members of the Mana fellowship (whom I adore, in fact, I love them all, how could I group into friends and 'others'?) .
So it is really cold, but I am sure my brother will still take his morning shower. My plan is the following: Wake up before him (at about 5:00 am) do yoga. Wait for him to open his door (my door is just next to his) and as he takes the step towards my mother's room I shout 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY!' and let him have it. Were it not for his birthday, I may consider this action wasteful and decadent, but honestly, this cake is of such poor nutritional value that it almost seems meant to be used for this very purpose. Oh am I gonna get it! My brother could beat me up if he wanted to, but will he?
He will take a shower anyway and then go to school. He is in his last year of high school now and next year he hopes to study law. I basically made him fill the application form for University in South Africa alone. Why? I wanted to instil in him the agency necessary to apply to University and I don't think holding his hand while he fills in the form would be helpful. I did offer to answer any questions he had,provided he had tried to fill in the form first by himself. This caused a lot of strife in my home, because my mother wanted me to just do whatever he wanted. But I held out. I know I may not be a parent, but honestly I am over just doing things for him. I really want him to be prepared for the world. And it seems to be working – just yesterday he told my mom 'No go back and click 'my computer' and try again, you did not do that, you need to do that, go back and do it!' after she asked him to help fix her internet connection (broadband). I think he realizes it's important to exhaust all of one's own capacities before going for help. If there was one thing I learnt at Princeton that must have been it.
Thank you Lord for my wonderful mom and my dad and my friends dear Lord (too many to mention by name here) and my sister and my cousins.
Then one more thing before I end this letter. At last, thank you Lord for answering my prayers! Thank you Lord for this boy Riaan I met (actually remet) last Tuesday. It was a cold Tuesday evening and I was heading home from the office (did I mention saying thank you for my awesome job that gives me a lot of work including the submission of abstracts, high level analysis of data and generally stimulation that I have not felt since Princeton?). He was in front of a bankomat, and I saw it was him. I passed on by. I had seen him there before, walking past that bank that has ATMS on the ground floor. I don't know if he noticed me. I knew he was gay, or at least into men, because I had met at the LGBTI party earlier this year. Then he was with his boyfriend Anthony. Flash forward. I wait for him to finish withdrawing his money and come back to his car, the only one parked on the side of this lonely road at this hour and cold temperature. He comes and I go 'Hey...'
I have to exercise great discipline not to relate to you our conversation, for it is private. Of course, I remember every detail, nearly every word uttered between me and him as he stood at the side of his car. And now I do recall his smile, he inquisitive look. Did he decide then? Yes he did because he volunteered his number and I took it, although only under the pretence that I would remind him of the picnic I was hosting the next day. Even though he said he was not dating Anthony anymore, I still thought of him as taken. You never know with couples, they break up and then get back together. So there was no need in thinking of him that way. Now, however I do. I think of him 'that way'. His advances have been welcomed. Though we have not seen each other since, we have communicated via 'text'. We've both been under the weather and I pray we will recover. We both want to see each other, I do believe.
Thank you Lord! How long have I waited? I now know my friends were right (about love)!
I do not know if I am love with him, let me first know him.
I do not know if he is the one, let first know if we will walk together hand in hand, under the sun.
I do not know what course this will go; would I be his second mate and he my first?
All I know is that I am happy for just the chance to date.
The rest I leave up to you and fate,
'O fate show thy force!'
