So what happened to me – I was under the “bondage of sin” as I struggled to kick the habit of consulting pornographic websites. I am actually doing a kind of revisionist historiography of my life and I realize that the whole pornography thing was less of a problem in my time at Princeton than I thought it was. It was just the more stuff I was doing at and the better time organized I was, the less I needed it. I think it was just a product of me being badly organized (dealing with my dance course and the demands of ‘academics’) and general lonliness. There was of course the fact that my fascination with the male body was really badly directed.
I guess that is why I fell in love with Jesus and decided to make Him my lover. Rather than suppressing my homoerotic urges, I took Jesus and imagined Him being with me.
These fantasies – or visitations of his divine presence in my mind – are actually quite different to what I saw in porn videos.
I have written about this difference before, but in case you are interested here I will write it again.
A Jesus that truly is a supernatural lover passing right through me (I think these were inspired by a Jesus Culture Song where the lead singer goes “he cuts right through me”) and his sacred heart is bare for me. His love making is physical – I do imagine him moving inside me as his supernatural body interacts with my insides. Oh and usually, he pushes himself into me, but there have been times I have imagined myself inside of Him.
These have really been the most powerful moments – really ecstatic and orgasmic for me. Sometimes, its not so great, like the time Jesus was blank, expressionless, before me as I imagined us moving together under the covers – was he asking me “Have you reduced me to you f*** buddy?”
In any case, I stopped looking at pornography and part of was breaking bad habits. I think that’s where the band “Tenth Avenue North Came In”. I heard them on this gospel channel from South Africa we have on satellite TV – Love is Here was the song. I went on their myspace page and played that at night. I also played “Healing Begins” and it really spoke to my process – I was now healed.
I am still healing the wounds from the “Highlands Assemblies of God Church” my local Church down the road where I met lots of great young people and where I went for a Friday youth group. Till the youth leadership met with me and eschewed the fact I was an openly gay man. Then I left. I did not realize it, but I bear a lot of bitterness for that Church, and I am healing through that.
So now what am I? I am a way out there Christian, more way out there than I have ever been.
During the past month, I doubted whether I should still call myself “Christian” or “Catholic” so I changed my facebook profile to “Syncretic Christian without a Church but still Catholic”. I realize now how redundant that is because Christianity, especially Catholicism, is syncretic to start with, while Church affiliation is not a must.
Today I was walking down independence avenue in Windhoek – our main street – when this man just suddenly calls out to me “wow, where are you from?” with a brightness in his eyes. I could tell he was one of us – the gay kind – but I really was not interested. He had a cigarette, was taking a smoke break outside of a store amidst the scores of people just walking on buy. “Are you from here?”
“Yes I am why do you ask?”
“Then you must have studied outside, when did you finish?”
How did this man know my whole story, without ever having met me? Was it my really curly hair, or the fact that I walk around with half torn sandals and an open back pack (one of the compartments is broken and always open)?
I did not even have my ankle bracelet from India that Andy Chen got me sophomore year (another gay man , who actually left Christianity)!
I told him about smoking and the dangers, but he just said “it was his choice”. As I was being kind off preachy, which I really hate, I stopped. But then I remembered speaking with a boy named Isaac outside Murray Dodge one time at Princeton and I told him “I pray you will find the courage to stop” Isaac scoffed and looked at me funny. About two weeks later we had a conversation on our way to Forbes and he told me I was much more understanding and less judgmental than the Christians he knew from his part of the US.
So this man now in Independence avenue, trying to flirt with me, and I just need to go. So I do. I do tell him to join the LGBT network Namibia (on facebook( and I ask him to look up facebook. Do I share the gospel of Jesus Christ? No. That would be really preachy. While we talked he told me he studied psychology – he asked me if I had “psychosocial support” and I said yes – in fact I go and see a psychologist – Dr Annandale – monthly. I asked him the same question and guess what he studied psych but “practices without working as one”. So I wonder what Rich would make of that.
In any case, I left, feeling rather flattered. But of course, Jesus should be one that takes all the credit, he is the one that puts people in my life and brings them to me.
Earlier in my life, since Freshman year, I though it was my mission to evangelize to the gays in a way that was there very own. In a way that gives primacy to our homoerotic nature and how this finds expression in our Christianity. But then I found myself disillusioned with Churches and even with the whole gospel thing.
I would actually deny that I am a Christian if someone put a gun to my head and said “deny Christ or I shoot!” I feel life is important and if I were to say no, I would just be committing suicide for a silly reason – I would still love Christ in my heart and no-one can take that away, no matter what they force me to say. Honestly, I think Jesus is much more mature than to say “Well you lied about me that day to save your life, so it’s over between us.” I really suspect that this interpretation of the gospel – about “saving your life to only lose it” attempts to control people and keep them Christian, even it means losing their lives. This is religion at its worst. It’s something I want no part off! Obviously, I would be willing to die for the good and for doing God’s Will – as people have done throughout history – but I hope you realize how different that is from suicide. I had a dream about this and suicide. It was surreal; it was about a woman who commits suicide because she is told to by the people around her. At then end they say it was for “love” but I heard in the song a sinister song with the lyrics “be wary of love.” Love that drives you to kill yourself – what love is that?
So now I am slowly picking up the pieces of my spirituality and I am going to still find a way to spread Christianity. I want to focus on prayer. Prayer is always there, where you are Christian or not, its part of being human, it’s the expression of that deepest desire for the universe to have mercy on you and the entire human race.
I have been so blessed this past quarter. Here is a picture of me receiving a certificate for “Health Advocacy and Social Mobilization” from the mayor of Windhoek on October 28. It was part of the World Health Day 2010 which was held in March and which I promoted a little. The main thing I did was to find an urban health champion – Mama Agnes – who has done so much for babies and toddlers affected by HIV. You can read my article on “Baby Haven” at www.flamingo.com.na Honestly, who care about the background, here is my photo. Mama Agnes was also a winner!
