On the precipice of faithlessness

On the precipice of faithlessness

I remember last night and five years ago. Five years ago my friend Lorena from the United World College of the Adriatic took to the low rock wall overlooking the Adriatic Sea and we sat to eat lunch. “Pancho have you have liked someone of the same sex, I want to know, because I have.” She wanted to know about me, she was curious about my sexuality from what she heard, seen, felt. Last night, a similar question came, but this was in the upper room of the Highlands assembly of God Church. The sea and its calming waves were far away and it came. “Pancho..” Cynthia started as she smiled warmly at me. “I would to find out from you if you are gay, because I had heard it from Geneva, but I just wanted to know for myself.” Cynthia and Geneva are two young women in my age group. They are youth leaders of the Highlands Assembly of God Youth, a place where young people come to worship in an evangelical setting – with songs very similar or identical to those sang at Mana, at PEF, at PFA or any other youth group of that kind. ”Yes I am gay and I say gay because I do align myself with the movement that believes homosexuality is not a pathology…” I explained “A what?” they asked, “A pathology, a disease” I clarified. Then after I had explained that, Ester, another youth leader and mate of mine (as in friend, not girlfriend of course) asked me, “So then how you reconcile your sexuality with your Christian faith?” She was curious, they were interested in knowing about my faith. I related to them what I had told many people before, including other youth member during that half hour of chatting before the actual proceedings of the youth. I spoke of Romans of lust and love, of my love for Jesus, my struggle to accept the idea of in and out, goat and sheep, saved and damned. The conversation was stimulating my intellect and at one point Ester asked “Well why do you have to rationalize everything?” “I have a rational mind, and I believe God gave it to me to be used and I love thinking.” I said something to that effect proudly.

However this was no mere discussion on my faith and stance towards my sexuality. There was intent behind it and I should have seen it coming. Zay was the only man there, apart from the three women. He was listening and even praised my knowledge of the Bible. His point, though, was to tell me that I should know where their Church stood with the Bible and that I should “not promote homosexuality in any form” during the youth. Preposterous, I was banned from talking freely! And also “we would prefer if you did not hug the guys” added Geneva. Some of the young men, people I consider my brothers in Christ, were uncomfortable with me hugging them. Why did they not come to me and tell me! I do not take offense if someone does not want to hug me. I never got mad at Jae Han for that at Princeton’s Manna Christian fellowship. Geneva understood that I desired frankness and so she paraphrased what I was saying towards the end of the discussion when it was flaming and I was adamant and not changing any of my behavior, unless someone points out to me, in whatever way, that I should not hug him: “He is just saying that he prefers to talk to the group in persona and tell them ‘ hey if you don’t want to hug me, I won’t be offended, just tell me. That’s all”. There was something temperate and understanding about Geneva. Zay, however, being the man he is told me “ We at this Church don’t support homosexuality, we believe a man should be a man and women should be women.” I barely recall how I reacted. My heart was racing at this point, my head tilting in the axis of disagreement, I was smiling and chuckling at what it had come to. The thought of this talk in that yellow walled office carried over to when I was later in my room. And I was pissed. I replayed the scene in my head and wished that I had barked saying “well you can take that idea of manhood and womanhood and shove it where the sun don’t shine and I hope you like the felling and the fact you like it scares you!” I even contemplated screaming it out load “I’m gay!” at home, at the church, everywhere.

The little voice in my head turned out to be a sham. “So you are not sure if God speaks to you or whether it is yourself,” was the summary of my argument Cynthia gave as looked at me with a puzzling look on her face? “Yes, actually I am not even sure what I mean, but it is that I think God speaks to me through my thoughts and not through some supernatural voice in my head.” Now in my room I knew that voice was just me. I was about to ignite that prayer light and my voice of plea, of supplication for help in this time of anger. But there was nothing to ignite, it was out, and the room stayed dark, like the dark outside my window, just beyond the hanging silver Jesus on the cross of my rosary. I realized I was entering a brave new world. One without God. I found out I lost my health insurance earlier that day, as I was purchasing my drugs at the pharmacy. Now I became aware of the abyss, unintelligent vastness of the cosmos with no divine voice. So I did not read my Bible, I did not pray (though that voice tried to, like the jerking movements of a corpse in rigormortis).

But this faith was not dead. I had put here in the body bag, dropped her off at the morge of the living dead (which is what I will become being “not Christian”), but she refuses to die! I woke up and I felt it breathe. Why should I loose my faith? Surely this is just a reaction to what happened? I wish, though, that it was the end of faith that I could just shout “Oh how vile and idol proves this god” as Antonio did when Sebastian claims to not know him in Twelfth Night. Antonio loved Sebastian, on a deep level. I love Jesus, “there is both Agape and Eros” I told Cynthia, Ester, Geneva and Laz as I spoke about my love for Jesus. Now should I lose this love because they define the terms under which one is Christian? It is clear that I crossed the line. By talking to people about my gayness and not being ashamed of it, in spite of Judeo-Christian and traditional moors that do not sanction the behavior associated with it. This threatens to tear asunder the world of universal heterosexuality and homosexuality as just something carnal and lustful. It did not appear that they were engaged with what I was advancing that gay is something different to just the sex that is described in the Bible and that this sex is always wrong. Zay explained that when St Paul wrote about men being filled with each other, he was speaking not only about his own times – of orgies and wine – but of today. I don’t know that is the only manifestation of same sex love possible and is it always wrong.

I can throw in the towel. Most of the gay people I know have done so already. Andy and Aayanda, both former Christians have left it. No wonder. I was about to as well. Then I realized that what I had experienced is trivial compared to what others have been through, especially in the US where people believe “God hates fags”.

I was defiant and I said I will not change who I am, even though Zay told me that they “were not asking me but telling me,” as members of the youth. Theirs is an institution with norms. As Ester put it “for example you think that you like murder and you can do that, but it is illegal, also in our church some things are not accepted.”

I am thinking of going back there and being funny, joking about the whole manly man and womanly woman thing. I want to play the macho man and the elegant woman, much like Ester when she did her dancing in that white dress with her chin tilted towards the heavens and her arms gracefully arcing through the space as she stepped meditatively, slowly, like a Queen. I wanted to just experience this like an anthropologist, to study it from the outside, but I put myself into the subject matter. I failed to distance myself and my comments profoundly influence the way events unfolded.

I feel better now writing this post. The anger has cooled. I want to pray the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy now, because I love its message “For the sake of His Sorrowful passion, Have Mercy on Us and the Whole World!”

Indeed, Lord have mercy on us, we need to move out of love and not fear or anger.

Now that this is done, I can chill with friends, study probability, just live.