Las Tensiones que animan mi vida

Alvarez, not Juan my friend, former roommate (for a week in Arezo) and classmate, but Alvarez the name of a woman writer who once said “it is through writing that we live the many lives that we cannot in real life.” I read this at the American Cultural Center one day when I was perusing the shelves – favorite procrastination pass time. I was supposed to be doing something related to my GRE prep (only a month and half left to go and I will be done with them!).But I cannot sit on the computer (good thing I am doing the paper based GRE), I hate it, and yet I am here, because the notepad I find too tedious. Ironically, I believe the notepad is doomed to disposal and with it my scribbles, while the laptop has some enduring quality. In fact, laptop bits and bytes are no less ephemeral than the writings on paper, if not more. At a click of a button they are gone, a the drop of water in the inner workings of the machine and they are scrambled forever.

Today was a fairly beautiful day. I was fortunate enough to run in the Italian lady I met here – signora Barbara Castelli. We had so much fun catching up, since she was away. Wait, should I be writing this in Italian now? How can I best conceal that fact that I am actually deeply an English thinking person, though I pass much of my time speaking and pondering in other tongues? Non importa, l’unica cosa che conta è che ti arrichia la vitta, la esistenza parlando in altre lingue, bensi che non le comandi, non le parli o pensi quanto bene che l’inglese, ma in fatti, pensiamo più profandamente in queste lingue straniere di quanto uno pensa, siccome possiamo usarli per esprimere quei desideri i quali sessuali o volgari che temiamo dire nel linguaggio materno per la stigma.

Lo spagnolo è più difficile di quanto uno pensa - Spanish is more difficult that one thinks it to be (said Barbara). Now I will surely be able to maintain and develop Italian whilst learning the langauge of Cervantes (its linguistic “cousin”. And what of my own language, Oshiwambo? I am learning it, albeit, at a slow pace, my own pace, using the book I downloaded from the net – that treatise of language Te ti, a self teaching guide complete with exercise that certain intrepid and dedicated peace corps volunteers put together with the help of the Oshindonga speakers they met here. There is so much tension between my learning and wielding of these languages. Like there is in between me composing my dances, writing to friends about Christ and our gay identity, being Namibian and Bulgaria, man and gay and who knows what else. “Sometimes, this tension threatens to tear us asunder”, says Alvarez.

I hope it will not. Yes, I will say, because I believe it, by the Lord’s grace I will find what is best!