Amazing Grace

I am here in this time and place. I just heard a rendition of Amazing Grace for Jazz Piano sang by an attractive strong male voice. I am still here in this space, my office, it is almost quarter to ten, sipping on my tea, and there is not so a great deal to be done. Yes I have some 'down time' and although I could just put myself to doing a task I do not actually have to do, like designing a new databases, I will just take these fifteen minutes to write. I do feel God's Grace is truly amazing, even though my beliefs have evolved since I last started this blog on request of my dear friend Zach Marr.

Is there anyone out there who is need of prayer, who is perhaps down and out and waiting for something, a job interview, the results of a difficult exam, the outcome of grant or scholarship application? Then please close your eyes, if you will, and pray. I am also praying for you and in sense, I wish I could leave a computer program in this text that says 'If someone reads this and begins to pray; contact Pancho and then let him say the prayer ENDIF, or WHILE they there are still people who need prayer, contact Pancho and let him say the prayer ENDWHILE. Thank goodness no one would ever be able to write such an algorithm and no computer language could implement it, that is telepathic contact with me at the moment your eyes read these words. Only the God would be able to and of course, the Blessed Virgin Mary and all the angles and saints who have done His Will throughout the ages.

So if I were to get to the core of my faith it would center around three things: prayer, fellowship, service, much like the Holy Trinity. I pray because although I find it hard to believe in the supernatural, I feel prayer, that outpouring of the heart, is more than just a sincere wish to influence the cogs of the universe, it is an outpouring of love. Prayer leads to fellowship with other people, fellowship to prayer and that is when I feel Christ's presence. Among people, like my friends or should I say sisters and brothers at the Christian fellowships in Princeton, I feel His prescence. I then believe in the event of the resurrection in so far as I experience God again and again through the people who share the faith with me. In service, like the time I spent volunteering at soup kitchen for orphans and vulnerable children on the north western part of Windhoek yesterday afternoon, I try and distance myself from my anxieties (when will I found out if I got that scholarship? Will I meet the guy of my dreams soon?) and give back to others, even though I know what I give is minimal, it is one step towards bringing the Kingdom of God here on earth (Do I believe in celestial Kingdom that exists metaphysically or physically out there - only in so far as I see the beginnings of it here on earth when I serve with people around me). 

And yet, when I pray I often limit my prayers to my own understanding of what can be prayed for (I never pray for healing outside of the biomedical context). In my fellowship, I am often inhibited by what I perceive to by a conflict between what I believe vis-a-vis my (homo)sexuality and what the group or institution may believe. When I serve I sometimes day dream about my own issues and desires rather than doing the best I can for the person I am serving. Is my faith then imperfect, yes. Is this even a declaration of faith? I guess so. I wrote it as my way of saying this is what I believe, it is not 'everything that is Biblical' or all the teachings of the Catholic Church, it is these three things, prayer, fellowship and service. 

Peace be with you.

prayer for Lent

I think I will go to sleep now. And I will sleep well. On Friday I was praying the sorrowful mysteries and it was soo deep and soo sorrowful. The Rosary, the amount I cried, praying the Rosary, is just incomparable, is incredible.
I think it had much to do with the fact my brother systematically insulted and told me we would never have a normal brother relationship because I am a moffie (faggot), gay.
But later on I felt, even though he did not say it, that he was sorry for he said. He was watching TV and he could of turned up louder, but he did not.
What did I do for him to be so rude? I asked him to stop arguing with a drunken man (a person I doubt he knew) outside our garage and all he said was 'We will lower our voices'. I warned him I would call the cops, he did not care and I did, but then he did care. Luckily the person left, and my brother came in and brought his wrath on me. I called the cops for them not to come. And in that same hallway, my brother really insulted me good.
Praying afterwards helped. I was so grateful to the Lord that I have a brother, that is well and alive, and even though what he said hurt, it would be better than having no brother at all.
My brother told me how in December, on his way back into town from the coast, he was literally seconds away from the being involved in the bloodiest accident of 2011.
Praise the Lord he survived.
We are now on 'normal' speaking terms with him. Everything is ok. Praying the Rosary, so powerful.

Looking for a gate

I remember Gene Robinson, the gay Anglican or (Episcopalean) Bishop, saying that as gay people, we have so long just been sitting at the gate and once we go in we will never be content with standing by the gate ever again. He was addressing the Union Theological Seminary and referring to a passage in the Acts of the Apostoles where the disciples heal this man who is just by the gate of the temple, who was ostracised, according to Gene's reading, and now is part of the community of believers, by entering the temple. 

This morning I went looking for the entrance to a gate that leads to a church. The place was called the Windhoek showgrounds and the His People Church rents out a hall for Sunday worship. The trouble is the main entrance of the showgrounds were closed, as they should be. So I spent almost half an hour running around some shady dirt roads in the complex that led to closed gates or just bushes by a riverbed, a classic scene for  robbery here in Windhoek. Thank goodness nothing happened. 

Eventually, I did go around via the back entrance and greeted the passerby, church goers who were on there way home.

You I always go to Churches, except my Catholic Church, after the sermon. I just go for the mingling, the fellowship, the people. I avoid hearing the sermons, because so many times you hear something at these Churches (by 'these' I mean contemporary Christian evangelical like Churches where you can sing basically the same worship songs like ' this is my daily bread...' all over the world) that is so heterosexist, so assumes you are heterosexual or even worse alienates your gay identity. So I just stopped going. But now, I wonder, is the problem with the Church or is it just me? I love the people, in fact today I went so I could talk to a friend Euan, who is a Scott, doing a technical assistance intership at the ministry of finance. He goes to the Church and he is a really swell dude, I met him from my friend Guillaume who was his roomate before he left to teach French in China. Two Sundays ago. I ran into him just outside his office (he was preparing the speech for the Finance minister on the budget) and I just opened up to him, told him about film 'Skoonheid' (google it!) about how it affected me as a gay man and how I was Christian too. He said something to the effect, 'yeah people should just be who they are , but sometimes Churches do not understand'. I felt a genuine connection with Euan then and I thank the Lord for that. Now this Sunday I wanted to connect with him again, on a deep spiritual level, but I was avoiding the Church service he goes to. Why? Am I keeping myself at the gate? Why do I not go in? There is no-one at the door checking for your sexual orientation as you enter so what is going on?

I saw Euan just as he was leaving, approaching the gate of the showgrounds, which I had finally entered. We chatted for a bit with two of his friends, two girls - one of whom is from Malawi but I did not want to bring up the whole gay persecution thing when we rode back in Euan's car, I mean I had just met her! So he dropped me off at my building, where I work and I said : 'So Euan I would love to catch up with you, we should do dinner sometime, would you like to?"

Euan crossed his arms as stopped the car and looked at me somewhat worried 'What do you mean dinner?"

Oh no, so here I was dressed in a very tight pink shirt and he knows I am gay, asking him out to dinner. So to console him I said: 'friendship dinner'. Relieved he said 'sure, yeaha and we have a braai I will invite you sometime'.

I thanked him and that was it.

I sure hope to meet more of Euan and learn more from him!

Christmas songs in March

I just go these Christmas songs, I actually got the email months ago in my old account (pancho767@hotmail.com) that I never use, and only check sometimes. They are songs sung by my dear friend Zach Marr with his best friend Daniel. He sent them to me two days before Christmas, but I did not open it then (what was I doing? then).

I loved the first song 'Santa Claus is about to expire, because he is so fat he will have a heart attack' or something or the other. I felt humor tingled with sadness hearing this. Well first of all, it is funny and overweight Santa Claus, and more so since I work in the field of public health and I have presented on cardiovascular risk disease profiles (obesity!) of a population here in Namibia. But then also we lost a colleague in South Africa, the esteemed professor Mark Colvin, to a heart attack at the end of January. He was the research leader of the project we are doing to understand the HIV epidemic of Namibia. I would not be sitting in my office here, writing this, before I read up about modes of transmission, were it not for him. 

Zach Marr's voice is so mesmerizing, as wonderful as ever. Who is this other boy Daniel? Is it the tall Daniel from Princeton , programmer, with a Jewish parent, but he choses to practise Christianity? I am not so sure. I think that profile fits many people who have graduated Princeton, but I know which one I am talking about, with his glasses and a friend of Zach and myself. 

Healing after an injury blog:

Healing after an injury blog:
12 January 2012. Today I started a new exercise regime, for my leg. For my knee. In the afternoon: hamstring lifting of 10 lbs on ankles as I stand and look and pray, some people count I pray the rosary, and I do one decade then a break and the a another decade. I do this to keep myself positive. Yes I could have started earlier before the pain in my knee cap started during the bending, before I felt weakness I my hamstrings, I could have taken a Pilates band with me for home and made sure I did here in this apartment in Sofia Bulgaria, I certainly could have done that but I did not. And In case you did not know, I should have done this because my physiotherapist back home in Namibia taught me some lifting exercises to do and I did them and then stopped when I felt fine, when I felt strong.
now I see the month is half full and there is still hope and by God's grace I will make it. Afterwards I lie on my back and with a scarf I pull and raise my leg to stretch the hamstring. I keep that hollow in between my back and the floor as wide as possible, just like Rebecca taught me in her class. Even if this means my leg is not yet 90 to the floor, I am grateful for being able to raise it and for life and I pray another decade. And then Ivam done and unroll up my yoga matt. Then I tap my diary entry in this here phone.
In the morning I plan to do: leg lifts, two decades followed by standing hamstring stretch.
13 January
Woke up a little later than usual this morning. did my leg lifts for both quads and hamstrings and a quick sitting half forward fold on the injured leg. After lunch worked on the hamstring lifts and stretched. Did warrior 2 on both sides. I noticed I have a little pain in the injured, left knee when I activate the muscles and stretch them in the warrior pose.overall my progress is good, I can bend and walk without any pain. The 10 1b weights are ok, though I feel pain if I try and straighten all the way when lifting seated.

16 January
I did do my exercises yesterday morning as this morning though I did not post a diary entry. Since yesterday I am doing the leg lifts do quads and hamstrings in the mor ing with some yoga, followed by smooth tai chi with my grandfather. Amazing there is absolutely no pain left in my. Leg even when I activate it in the warrior 2 pose which is the same feeling as in the tendu. I should keep on doing these exercises however - stopping. Or it may lead to deterioration later on. I nonetheless feel the left leg to be a bit shaky when I do my Tai Chi prayer wheel right after the lifting - likely to be muscle fatigue. I do want to give both legs attention so this afternoon I did the warrior 2 and the "Indian triangle" according to Andy Chen, whereby one brigs the torso to the bent leg in warrior 2 and the twist and stretches the arm over.
I am excited because on Wednesday I am watching contemporary dance works here I Sofia. One of the is titled "Baredback" in English, not in Bulgarian, so I wonder what it is about, does it have anything to do with two men going at it without a condom? Does it have anything to do with HIV?
We will have to see.
18 January

I just came back from the performances of works at the concert of Arabesque. The company performed works of the contestants of the Margarita Arnaduova contemporary choreography.

19 January 2012
Bareback was truly fascinating cutting across themes of sex work and masochism as well as race in what I felt was a Balkan context. Stay tuned for more on this and other pieces I saw.
This morning I did my yoga poses, plank and triangle and warrior 2. I do notice some pain when I bend the injured leg when in the plank. I suspect it is because I have not been the exercises for the "end range " of my leg bending: when I left in a seated position I work the large range and hen extend fully I also work the end range, that the las few degrees that the leg moves through to straighten. forgive the detail but I believe it is important. Now I am doing the end range exercises as well .

It becomes increasingly difficult to stick to this exercise regime. I either have to wake up earlier so I can do both yoga on both sides of my body and the the quad and hamstring exercise for my left injured leg or I should do the yoga in the morning and the lifting in the adternoon, like I did today. I think that may work.

The fact that met the choreographer of "Bareback" , Alexander Georgiev , who is my age, was also really exciting. I said I would blog about the piece but I did not specify when,anyway perhaps I feel like I should put everything else aside and just write. But I am not at Princeton, I am visiting my grandparents here in Bulgaria and there are other things to do do and watch and learn ( cooking). And I also made contact with a professor at the London School of Hygiene. I would like to apply.

So may I please give myself the permission to save what I experienced last night? Saving performance, feelings and interpretations. Saved.
21 January
Yesterday i did not write in the diary and I did not do the exercises with the ankle weights either! In the morning I did more yoga and in the afternoon we went to my grandparents holiday villa in the nearby Hilda of Bankia . I did do quite a bit of shoveling.when we got back it was past the usual time I do my exercises and so I just did not do them. It seems quite easy to skip once you miss the regular time. And then there was me falling in love, writing a love email to a Spanish boy who does not dance the same dance as I do, even I think he does. Perhaps I should have just have written to him " I do believe we are practicing the same religion..." from George Michaels fast love. I meet him randomly after mass and we went for coffee ( I asked and he accepted).

Today I woke up at about the usual time and I unrolled my yoga matt did some forward bends and realized I should do the lifting of the weights since I missed a day. And boy did I feel it! for the first few lifts when seated, it was sore when I tried to fully straighten, but after indie a couple the leg muscles and knee was warm so there was nearly no pain in the knee cap. My physiotherapist Ronalda Duarte told me that I hurts cause when straight the tendon is flushed against the knee cap and I still an fully healed. But the car accident Was months ago on September 3 2011, can I still be hurt? Well she warned me that the knee will be vulnerable to repeated injury and perhaps I hurt it between now and then, or my muscles where not strong enough.

The stretches I do now are more forward holds from yoga , on each leg and forward lunges that get psoas muscles and quads.

Tomorrow will be better

22 January

I did my exercises today both of them. It is interesting how I actually sought refuge in my yoga today and I did these exercises in spite of everything. My grandparents drug end during the night and my grandfather had a hysteric episode in the morning. He is fine now and has come alright he regrets what happens and he hopes to take care more of himself rather than just his teenage grand kids.
He said will take more walks outside, start reading again and a get a social life.
In spite of this all I am still up now at 1:40 pm. In spite of all this forgot to tell him one thing: he tore up the evaluation given by the first aid people this afternoon, claiming it was part of a plot to put him in the mental hospital.He could not see then he had a problem and he accused those closest to him: my grandmother and I of plotting in a sense. That I forgot to say because it was painful , to see, I glued together the torn pieces and made 7 copies. My grandmother and cousin will keep some and they need to show it to their doctor. I will take my copies and show it to my mother. And I have that wretches original. I pray I can sleep now.

24 January
Today was a much more eventful day. I did my exercises in the morning, the lifts and then stretches. We went to Slaveykov brothers square withy grandfather and we talked about what happened and depression and health and the visit of ambulance service the EMT man yesterday did not matter so much. In any case
I am going to write about the things that matter that I am grateful for:
When my grandfather looked at me and said "philosopher" after I complimented him on figuring out how I balance a suitcase on scale meant for people: use a light rolled up plastic as support.

A baby at the bu stop today that was grabbing at my back actually in Bulgarian say it best бебето се закачасе с мене у на края кат се качих и му казах чао и то отговорило.
The baby said ciao a I said so as I got on the bus. Che carino!
So I guess this diary is about healing. I feel quite healed and my leg feels strong, though still a little bit of the after tingles left of pain here and there. Good night.

26 January 2012
I am sitting on an underground train next to my sister and it seems like I have been here before. My knee feels good considering I have not done any of the lifting exercises since two days ago. I do feel something like a ripple of pain now and then when I go down the stairs. Which remind me, I need to get my Pilates band. I left my ankle weights with my grandmother in Sofia and my yoga mat. Her current exercise regime does not include weights but I can't take them in my suitcase anyway.

26 January 2012
So today is the day I am going to go to LSHTM and talk to the professor. Of course I am a bit nervous but that is ok. I am up and reading about Math , stats, get my mind ready. I also know I cannot influence the past, how much I should have studied , I am only in the present. Now I have faith that this year the third one after graduation will even bear more fruit for me to study. I need to quietly begin my exercises too, for the body, today I will get a Pilates band , for now I will do yoga and tai chi. Che bella vita, tutto resta davanti a me e con l'amore di Dio ce la farò. (how beautiful a life this is! Everything lies before me and with the help of and love of God I will be able do it!)
Exercises:
Staff pose
Cobbler
Balance on butt
Knee bend and straighten 30 each side
Triangle
Tai Chi: series of temple exercises

Dr Nitsch gave me a tour of the school, very post post modern with a large lecture hall in a sun shapes auditorium. We talked to one of the students an she encouraged me to apply and articulate my reasons for applying right now at this point in my life. I did not give a run down of what I believe to be my mediocre math grades. I raised in the tube , while u looked at handsome man who looked rather worried and disorientated , I wonder if he was somewhat retarded. It dawned on me that Ives gong to apply anyway, Dr Nitsch said they looked for students who could do the course at this time in their careers. She reiterated they were not looking for the necessary brightest but those who wanted to do it and needed to. I am applying , inspire of the unknown probability of me getting a World Bank scholarship. So this is London and this is life. I loved the Sabbath dinner o sorts I had with my sister here, we had salmon and sweet potatoes and asparagus with mushrooms. She only had a taste of my creamy broccoli sauce.
Then there was the Pilates band. The bands I got today where so so, I can use them to standing lifts that work my hamstrings, but I need patience to do them well. Everything requires patience I guess. No it does.
Time to sleep.
Shabbat shalom.

28 January 2012
I am still in London. I leave on Monday. I think tomorrow night will be my last entry. After which I have to edit this blog as many of the sentences are wrong due to the fact I wrote this on the iPhone , all of it. Hey the photo of Martha Graham title "Think Different" still hangs in Hagan dance studio, and it is by apple, so using the iPhone is appropriate.
An update on my left knee that I was injured. Somehow it still feels weird and slightly sore when I activate the knee muscles . And there is that feeling of the knee cap clicking or locking in when I fully straighten. In terms of exercises, I used the pilates band to do bend my knee while standing and using the band as resistance. I feel the hamstring working and then I do it on the other knee, the one that was not traumatized last September during that car accident that we survived.

I watches for the first time ever the recording of the Hagan studio performance of "George's possession " that Alexis and I made in 2008. And too think I even for a minute regretted having taken dance that last fall semester! My math mark was unlikely to have been better, I would have probably lost it cause I needed to create, to move. I only watched this DVD now since my sister wanted to and she had never seen it. I wonder if Alexis is studying physiotherapy now? God knows we need more physiotherapists, thank God mine lives in my neighborhood.

Pancho

durante decepciones

Orración en decepciones

O Dios, ayúdame a aceptar las cosas tales que son. Ayúdame a no gastar tiemp en remorrdimientos vanos y recuerdos tristes.

Ayúdame a volver a buscar universidades e a intentar otra vez. Ayúdame a no solo fijarme en mis propias cuestiones sino ayudar a los demás y a fortalecerlos para que también se animen con las oportunidades de las que estan frente. Ayúdame a aceptar las cosas que estan por detrás y a seguir adelante, hacia las cosas que están por delante (aunque ir hacia atrás no es nada malo es solo una dirección pero mirar por detrás yendo hacia adelante puede crear problemas).

Digo este por el amor de ti.

Update 21 Sept 2011

‘Oh oh oh I’m in love with Judas, Judas’ goes the song by Lady Gaga that I listen to at work. I would be lying if I said it was how I feel, because I am in love with Jesus and right now it’s 5:05 am. A few minutes back, I had one of my fantasy sessions with my lover right after reading Psalm 63; the Psalm that speaks to true body and spirit desire for Him. In any case, the Gaga song is catchy, but I would disagree with it on the point she sings ‘Jesus is my virtue, but Judas is the demon I cling, I cling too’. Judas was certainly no demon. He was a human being who actually followed Jesus. He was the one who betrayed Him, but was this really so reprehensible? About three weeks ago, we had our Heroes Day weekend (26 Aug) in Namibia and I went up to the north of the country to visit my grandmother, have my cousin take her to the hospital (though my dad should have done but he is unfortunately pretty ‘flaky’ – unreliable – when it comes such things) but he did end up coming through in the end we took my grandma home in his car after we visited the dentist (who studied in Cuba – like many Namibians – and I spoke to a bit in Spanish, though ideally I should have spoken to in Oshiwambo (my dad’s mother tongue)). The north of Namibia is flat with palm trees and white sand, almost like beach sand. On the way to my grandmothers house my dad tried to ride up the side of the road and the car got stuck, on the ridge of this gravel road. We were there for about an hour and half. Thanks to the Lord and our efforts we managed to jack up the car and he could reverse. I enjoyed the sunset then as I could see this giant red, then pink, disk descend on the horizon. In New Jersey I never saw the horizon.

Well on the way home to Windhoek my dad, a singer called Blossom and myself had this discussion about this lady Gaga song. Blossom is an acoustic guitarist singer and my father is her agent of sorts. On the way we stopped on the side of the road to take pictures of her with the grassy landscape and his of the north central region. My dad started photography again by shooting these promotional pictures. Good for him. But our debate centered on the Judas song. Blossom eschewed the lyrics claiming they were evil, offensive to her as a Christian and incited evil actions. I did not agree. Eventually, we had this philosophical discussion on whether Judas was actually evil. My dad presented the case of Judas doing something necessary, even though he betrayed Jesus, it was not by chance, as if it were just by chance that Jesus was condemned to death. Blossom still argued that what he did was wrong and Jesus would have been killed anyway. But would He?

I wonder. Nonetheless, I loved that road trip with my dad. It reminded me of how when we were younger, he would talk about the Bible with us after reading it, questioning the obvious. My dad also loved the Jesus films. ‘Jesus is my hero’ I remember him saying.

Soon after when we got home, my dad returned to his busy life and so did I. I called him the next day to tell him I had gotten the Fulbright grant to do my masters in epidemiology and he was happy. I spent much time over the next few days writing up personal statements and thinking about where I would study in the US again. The following Saturday we were invited to a barbeque by my Venezuelan friend Raquel. I knew about the BBQ (what is a parilla in Venezuela, braai in Namibia) for about two weeks and told my mom. I prepared some guacamole, some Bulgarian yoghurt, dill and cucumber salad (tarator) and took some meat form the Freezer. We went off and picked up a young lady – Suama – who was from a rural town up north east. She told me she was writing her final grade 12 (senior year) exams soon. She wanted to do ‘something with the body’ , like a beautician of sorts. She told me this on the way. ‘Do you all have your seatbelts on’ Raquel asked us and I did, my mom did, Suama did not and she put it on. Not much later we were swerving of the gravel road. Another gravel road, but this one we had never been too before and it led to the Oanab Dam where the braai would take place. Oh how we rolled and then luckily landed back on the ‘car’s feet’. Do I describe in detail what happened next? Suffice it to say, Suama ended up showing she could calmly add disinfectant my mother’s head wound. I advised her later when were in the nearby Rehoboth St Mary’s Hospital to consider medicine. Actually I said that when were also at the accident, right after me and her got out of the car and she nursed my mothers wound.

So is now the time to say it? Praise the Lord. We survived. The stiches have been removed from my mother’s head wound. Suama is fine (she was shaken a bit), Raquel, I hope is recovering well, should call her, she has whiplash. I just have an inflamed tendonitis of the knee, but I am going to physiotherapy and icing so it should get better. Since then I have not been able to do my dance, the one I added too while my dad and blossom were taking photos on the side of the road and I was playing around. I praise the Lord for what I can do though, walking normally. This is my chance to come back stronger than I was before.

Surviving the accident really put some things in perspective. First I experienced what it meant to be hurt. I remember receiving and email update from Mana Christian fellowship and Sumin saying she got hurt in China (was during a concert, she fell in some pit or what) and I felt that. I realize now I could have prayed harder for her recovery – did I realize what exactly this meant? I had to come to terms with my own fragility. I am not only fragile, but as professor Cornel West so articulately put (I listened to a podcast with his 2006 Barry Ulanov lecture!) to be human is to realize I am destined for death and between now and then is my chance to do something. Do I just accept complacency, cowardice and the current circumstances or do I do something in spite of all that? Listening to a podcast by Bishop Gene Robinson, I found out, really the only thing I can offer other people is ‘the story of my own salvation’ especially members of this same Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Intersex community I see myself part off.

The second thin in perspective is just taking it easy. ‘Relax take it easy…’ goes that song by Milka and I definitely agree! I may have problems at work of me not communicating well with my boss and colleagues, delivering after the deadline, up to the point of my boss doubting whether I am ‘the right person for the job’ which caused me a bit of anxiety yesterday, but you know what, it don’t matter because I am alive. I am alive and we worked out a good ‘action plan’ from now on. The type of work I do at this public health organization is like consulting and I am so blessed to be working with my colleague Natasha who has offered to mentor me in this field. ‘Our first year in consulting is our training year, so we do get a bit of stick…’ she was telling me. So how did I end up in such a job? It is very stimulating, but hey, still it is after all just a job and I will be taking care of my health so no more late nights at the office (which I did often before the accident) or anything like that. I am only human after all. And did I mention Natasha is Christian, from Aruba and we get to speak Spanish in the office?

The third I realized, (I now realize there are more than three things I learnt from this experience), is the shortness of life! Ok here I want to write about something. What is it? Falling in love. Am I in love? Right after the accident, I called up this boy – Michael – who called me just before it happened, but I did not answer his call. I was quite impressed with his concern though upon hearing about what happened to me. I wanted to go out on another date with him, as we had our first date the week earlier. That same Saturday of the accident, I had a date set with another boy, Riaan. Riaan though did not call me, as usual he just texted. I told him I was in an accident, but for some reason, which was kind off a turn off he asked ‘so are we still on tonight?’ We rescheduled for the following week, but he totally bailed on me, as he actually confirmed our date. So I went out on a second date with this black boy Michael and never heard back from the white boy Riaan. Race I think does matter, because my general attraction for white boys must stem from the years of indoctrination that presented white people as the pinnacles of beauty. Being with Michael on the second date made me realize it matters so little, actually. But I am not with Michael. After the seocnd date, I wrote this poem

How do I write this piece?
On a paper or just in my heart?

Perhaps neither – in this computer – will suffice.

How do I write about you when I am not in love?

I just wanted to be held and hold you in that embrace.

Outside the Church and in the light

What a beautiful night.

Questa non è una ossessione, anzi è solo il fatto che sei affascinante,

E non ce la faccio a rinnegare questi pensieri di te.

Questo fascino.

Un abbraccio erotico ma non satanico

Pieno di eros ma niente lussuria

Direi

So that was my second date, with the first guy I have dated.

Will we date, I don’t know, we’ll wait and see how I feel tomorrow.

He knows I still look at guys as they pass go

So we will have to see

But let it be, what should be.

I did not feel like I wanted him tomorrow. Honestly, not really. I dreamt of meeting a Guataemalan guy at my work who was waiting outside my boss’s office, where a meeting was underway. I did not dream of him. I never actually approached him – he approached me one day at the shopping mall. There is no reason to keep seeing him. Yes, I have resolved, I have taken the decision, that we just be friends. There is still much I can share with him. He is a believer too.

Now I want to move on to speak about people I miss. I miss Craig Schindewolf quite strongly. I dreamt of him sometime ago, some days after the accident. He had longer curly hair. I think I was projecting how I look now onto him. I tried calling him on his cell phone, but each time I get voicemail. Where is he? Is he alright? He wrote too me on that Manna poster with the big group photo ‘thanks for being a true friend’. But why ‘thanks’ and the ‘being’? Was that it? Should our friendship end? Just because of the physical distance, une separation de corps?

Alright its 5:59. Time to do yoga and ice my knee. Time to get ready. A new day. The break of morn.

P.S. I would also like to know about your love lives and I want your advice on what to do next. All of my non-Christian or let me say, non self defining Christian friends such as Chinonto, Mariel, Jacob Denz, Lady Adjepong, would give me feedback and affirmation. But I know that some of Christian friends may not, simply because they can’t affirm something they believe to wrong. I am glad though that Rich Lopez posted a video update of his to song ‘Firework’ by Katie Perry. I love that song and have it even more since then. The lonely guy in the bar who intrepidly goes up and kisses another guy amidst the crowd. Singing that video, Rich, is affirmation enough. Although I could never do that, well not only because I would not have the guts to do it, but more so because I am work in public health and I think about Hepatitis B…yes it can be spread through droplets in the air and in Namibia it seems about 6% or so of the working population is positive for the Hep B surface antigen, which means they are actively infected (correct me if I am wrong Peter, perhaps you can explain the Hepatitis B story in simple way for us all).