Healing after an injury blog:

Healing after an injury blog:
12 January 2012. Today I started a new exercise regime, for my leg. For my knee. In the afternoon: hamstring lifting of 10 lbs on ankles as I stand and look and pray, some people count I pray the rosary, and I do one decade then a break and the a another decade. I do this to keep myself positive. Yes I could have started earlier before the pain in my knee cap started during the bending, before I felt weakness I my hamstrings, I could have taken a Pilates band with me for home and made sure I did here in this apartment in Sofia Bulgaria, I certainly could have done that but I did not. And In case you did not know, I should have done this because my physiotherapist back home in Namibia taught me some lifting exercises to do and I did them and then stopped when I felt fine, when I felt strong.
now I see the month is half full and there is still hope and by God's grace I will make it. Afterwards I lie on my back and with a scarf I pull and raise my leg to stretch the hamstring. I keep that hollow in between my back and the floor as wide as possible, just like Rebecca taught me in her class. Even if this means my leg is not yet 90 to the floor, I am grateful for being able to raise it and for life and I pray another decade. And then Ivam done and unroll up my yoga matt. Then I tap my diary entry in this here phone.
In the morning I plan to do: leg lifts, two decades followed by standing hamstring stretch.
13 January
Woke up a little later than usual this morning. did my leg lifts for both quads and hamstrings and a quick sitting half forward fold on the injured leg. After lunch worked on the hamstring lifts and stretched. Did warrior 2 on both sides. I noticed I have a little pain in the injured, left knee when I activate the muscles and stretch them in the warrior pose.overall my progress is good, I can bend and walk without any pain. The 10 1b weights are ok, though I feel pain if I try and straighten all the way when lifting seated.

16 January
I did do my exercises yesterday morning as this morning though I did not post a diary entry. Since yesterday I am doing the leg lifts do quads and hamstrings in the mor ing with some yoga, followed by smooth tai chi with my grandfather. Amazing there is absolutely no pain left in my. Leg even when I activate it in the warrior 2 pose which is the same feeling as in the tendu. I should keep on doing these exercises however - stopping. Or it may lead to deterioration later on. I nonetheless feel the left leg to be a bit shaky when I do my Tai Chi prayer wheel right after the lifting - likely to be muscle fatigue. I do want to give both legs attention so this afternoon I did the warrior 2 and the "Indian triangle" according to Andy Chen, whereby one brigs the torso to the bent leg in warrior 2 and the twist and stretches the arm over.
I am excited because on Wednesday I am watching contemporary dance works here I Sofia. One of the is titled "Baredback" in English, not in Bulgarian, so I wonder what it is about, does it have anything to do with two men going at it without a condom? Does it have anything to do with HIV?
We will have to see.
18 January

I just came back from the performances of works at the concert of Arabesque. The company performed works of the contestants of the Margarita Arnaduova contemporary choreography.

19 January 2012
Bareback was truly fascinating cutting across themes of sex work and masochism as well as race in what I felt was a Balkan context. Stay tuned for more on this and other pieces I saw.
This morning I did my yoga poses, plank and triangle and warrior 2. I do notice some pain when I bend the injured leg when in the plank. I suspect it is because I have not been the exercises for the "end range " of my leg bending: when I left in a seated position I work the large range and hen extend fully I also work the end range, that the las few degrees that the leg moves through to straighten. forgive the detail but I believe it is important. Now I am doing the end range exercises as well .

It becomes increasingly difficult to stick to this exercise regime. I either have to wake up earlier so I can do both yoga on both sides of my body and the the quad and hamstring exercise for my left injured leg or I should do the yoga in the morning and the lifting in the adternoon, like I did today. I think that may work.

The fact that met the choreographer of "Bareback" , Alexander Georgiev , who is my age, was also really exciting. I said I would blog about the piece but I did not specify when,anyway perhaps I feel like I should put everything else aside and just write. But I am not at Princeton, I am visiting my grandparents here in Bulgaria and there are other things to do do and watch and learn ( cooking). And I also made contact with a professor at the London School of Hygiene. I would like to apply.

So may I please give myself the permission to save what I experienced last night? Saving performance, feelings and interpretations. Saved.
21 January
Yesterday i did not write in the diary and I did not do the exercises with the ankle weights either! In the morning I did more yoga and in the afternoon we went to my grandparents holiday villa in the nearby Hilda of Bankia . I did do quite a bit of shoveling.when we got back it was past the usual time I do my exercises and so I just did not do them. It seems quite easy to skip once you miss the regular time. And then there was me falling in love, writing a love email to a Spanish boy who does not dance the same dance as I do, even I think he does. Perhaps I should have just have written to him " I do believe we are practicing the same religion..." from George Michaels fast love. I meet him randomly after mass and we went for coffee ( I asked and he accepted).

Today I woke up at about the usual time and I unrolled my yoga matt did some forward bends and realized I should do the lifting of the weights since I missed a day. And boy did I feel it! for the first few lifts when seated, it was sore when I tried to fully straighten, but after indie a couple the leg muscles and knee was warm so there was nearly no pain in the knee cap. My physiotherapist Ronalda Duarte told me that I hurts cause when straight the tendon is flushed against the knee cap and I still an fully healed. But the car accident Was months ago on September 3 2011, can I still be hurt? Well she warned me that the knee will be vulnerable to repeated injury and perhaps I hurt it between now and then, or my muscles where not strong enough.

The stretches I do now are more forward holds from yoga , on each leg and forward lunges that get psoas muscles and quads.

Tomorrow will be better

22 January

I did my exercises today both of them. It is interesting how I actually sought refuge in my yoga today and I did these exercises in spite of everything. My grandparents drug end during the night and my grandfather had a hysteric episode in the morning. He is fine now and has come alright he regrets what happens and he hopes to take care more of himself rather than just his teenage grand kids.
He said will take more walks outside, start reading again and a get a social life.
In spite of this all I am still up now at 1:40 pm. In spite of all this forgot to tell him one thing: he tore up the evaluation given by the first aid people this afternoon, claiming it was part of a plot to put him in the mental hospital.He could not see then he had a problem and he accused those closest to him: my grandmother and I of plotting in a sense. That I forgot to say because it was painful , to see, I glued together the torn pieces and made 7 copies. My grandmother and cousin will keep some and they need to show it to their doctor. I will take my copies and show it to my mother. And I have that wretches original. I pray I can sleep now.

24 January
Today was a much more eventful day. I did my exercises in the morning, the lifts and then stretches. We went to Slaveykov brothers square withy grandfather and we talked about what happened and depression and health and the visit of ambulance service the EMT man yesterday did not matter so much. In any case
I am going to write about the things that matter that I am grateful for:
When my grandfather looked at me and said "philosopher" after I complimented him on figuring out how I balance a suitcase on scale meant for people: use a light rolled up plastic as support.

A baby at the bu stop today that was grabbing at my back actually in Bulgarian say it best бебето се закачасе с мене у на края кат се качих и му казах чао и то отговорило.
The baby said ciao a I said so as I got on the bus. Che carino!
So I guess this diary is about healing. I feel quite healed and my leg feels strong, though still a little bit of the after tingles left of pain here and there. Good night.

26 January 2012
I am sitting on an underground train next to my sister and it seems like I have been here before. My knee feels good considering I have not done any of the lifting exercises since two days ago. I do feel something like a ripple of pain now and then when I go down the stairs. Which remind me, I need to get my Pilates band. I left my ankle weights with my grandmother in Sofia and my yoga mat. Her current exercise regime does not include weights but I can't take them in my suitcase anyway.

26 January 2012
So today is the day I am going to go to LSHTM and talk to the professor. Of course I am a bit nervous but that is ok. I am up and reading about Math , stats, get my mind ready. I also know I cannot influence the past, how much I should have studied , I am only in the present. Now I have faith that this year the third one after graduation will even bear more fruit for me to study. I need to quietly begin my exercises too, for the body, today I will get a Pilates band , for now I will do yoga and tai chi. Che bella vita, tutto resta davanti a me e con l'amore di Dio ce la farò. (how beautiful a life this is! Everything lies before me and with the help of and love of God I will be able do it!)
Exercises:
Staff pose
Cobbler
Balance on butt
Knee bend and straighten 30 each side
Triangle
Tai Chi: series of temple exercises

Dr Nitsch gave me a tour of the school, very post post modern with a large lecture hall in a sun shapes auditorium. We talked to one of the students an she encouraged me to apply and articulate my reasons for applying right now at this point in my life. I did not give a run down of what I believe to be my mediocre math grades. I raised in the tube , while u looked at handsome man who looked rather worried and disorientated , I wonder if he was somewhat retarded. It dawned on me that Ives gong to apply anyway, Dr Nitsch said they looked for students who could do the course at this time in their careers. She reiterated they were not looking for the necessary brightest but those who wanted to do it and needed to. I am applying , inspire of the unknown probability of me getting a World Bank scholarship. So this is London and this is life. I loved the Sabbath dinner o sorts I had with my sister here, we had salmon and sweet potatoes and asparagus with mushrooms. She only had a taste of my creamy broccoli sauce.
Then there was the Pilates band. The bands I got today where so so, I can use them to standing lifts that work my hamstrings, but I need patience to do them well. Everything requires patience I guess. No it does.
Time to sleep.
Shabbat shalom.

28 January 2012
I am still in London. I leave on Monday. I think tomorrow night will be my last entry. After which I have to edit this blog as many of the sentences are wrong due to the fact I wrote this on the iPhone , all of it. Hey the photo of Martha Graham title "Think Different" still hangs in Hagan dance studio, and it is by apple, so using the iPhone is appropriate.
An update on my left knee that I was injured. Somehow it still feels weird and slightly sore when I activate the knee muscles . And there is that feeling of the knee cap clicking or locking in when I fully straighten. In terms of exercises, I used the pilates band to do bend my knee while standing and using the band as resistance. I feel the hamstring working and then I do it on the other knee, the one that was not traumatized last September during that car accident that we survived.

I watches for the first time ever the recording of the Hagan studio performance of "George's possession " that Alexis and I made in 2008. And too think I even for a minute regretted having taken dance that last fall semester! My math mark was unlikely to have been better, I would have probably lost it cause I needed to create, to move. I only watched this DVD now since my sister wanted to and she had never seen it. I wonder if Alexis is studying physiotherapy now? God knows we need more physiotherapists, thank God mine lives in my neighborhood.

Pancho

durante decepciones

Orración en decepciones

O Dios, ayúdame a aceptar las cosas tales que son. Ayúdame a no gastar tiemp en remorrdimientos vanos y recuerdos tristes.

Ayúdame a volver a buscar universidades e a intentar otra vez. Ayúdame a no solo fijarme en mis propias cuestiones sino ayudar a los demás y a fortalecerlos para que también se animen con las oportunidades de las que estan frente. Ayúdame a aceptar las cosas que estan por detrás y a seguir adelante, hacia las cosas que están por delante (aunque ir hacia atrás no es nada malo es solo una dirección pero mirar por detrás yendo hacia adelante puede crear problemas).

Digo este por el amor de ti.

Update 21 Sept 2011

‘Oh oh oh I’m in love with Judas, Judas’ goes the song by Lady Gaga that I listen to at work. I would be lying if I said it was how I feel, because I am in love with Jesus and right now it’s 5:05 am. A few minutes back, I had one of my fantasy sessions with my lover right after reading Psalm 63; the Psalm that speaks to true body and spirit desire for Him. In any case, the Gaga song is catchy, but I would disagree with it on the point she sings ‘Jesus is my virtue, but Judas is the demon I cling, I cling too’. Judas was certainly no demon. He was a human being who actually followed Jesus. He was the one who betrayed Him, but was this really so reprehensible? About three weeks ago, we had our Heroes Day weekend (26 Aug) in Namibia and I went up to the north of the country to visit my grandmother, have my cousin take her to the hospital (though my dad should have done but he is unfortunately pretty ‘flaky’ – unreliable – when it comes such things) but he did end up coming through in the end we took my grandma home in his car after we visited the dentist (who studied in Cuba – like many Namibians – and I spoke to a bit in Spanish, though ideally I should have spoken to in Oshiwambo (my dad’s mother tongue)). The north of Namibia is flat with palm trees and white sand, almost like beach sand. On the way to my grandmothers house my dad tried to ride up the side of the road and the car got stuck, on the ridge of this gravel road. We were there for about an hour and half. Thanks to the Lord and our efforts we managed to jack up the car and he could reverse. I enjoyed the sunset then as I could see this giant red, then pink, disk descend on the horizon. In New Jersey I never saw the horizon.

Well on the way home to Windhoek my dad, a singer called Blossom and myself had this discussion about this lady Gaga song. Blossom is an acoustic guitarist singer and my father is her agent of sorts. On the way we stopped on the side of the road to take pictures of her with the grassy landscape and his of the north central region. My dad started photography again by shooting these promotional pictures. Good for him. But our debate centered on the Judas song. Blossom eschewed the lyrics claiming they were evil, offensive to her as a Christian and incited evil actions. I did not agree. Eventually, we had this philosophical discussion on whether Judas was actually evil. My dad presented the case of Judas doing something necessary, even though he betrayed Jesus, it was not by chance, as if it were just by chance that Jesus was condemned to death. Blossom still argued that what he did was wrong and Jesus would have been killed anyway. But would He?

I wonder. Nonetheless, I loved that road trip with my dad. It reminded me of how when we were younger, he would talk about the Bible with us after reading it, questioning the obvious. My dad also loved the Jesus films. ‘Jesus is my hero’ I remember him saying.

Soon after when we got home, my dad returned to his busy life and so did I. I called him the next day to tell him I had gotten the Fulbright grant to do my masters in epidemiology and he was happy. I spent much time over the next few days writing up personal statements and thinking about where I would study in the US again. The following Saturday we were invited to a barbeque by my Venezuelan friend Raquel. I knew about the BBQ (what is a parilla in Venezuela, braai in Namibia) for about two weeks and told my mom. I prepared some guacamole, some Bulgarian yoghurt, dill and cucumber salad (tarator) and took some meat form the Freezer. We went off and picked up a young lady – Suama – who was from a rural town up north east. She told me she was writing her final grade 12 (senior year) exams soon. She wanted to do ‘something with the body’ , like a beautician of sorts. She told me this on the way. ‘Do you all have your seatbelts on’ Raquel asked us and I did, my mom did, Suama did not and she put it on. Not much later we were swerving of the gravel road. Another gravel road, but this one we had never been too before and it led to the Oanab Dam where the braai would take place. Oh how we rolled and then luckily landed back on the ‘car’s feet’. Do I describe in detail what happened next? Suffice it to say, Suama ended up showing she could calmly add disinfectant my mother’s head wound. I advised her later when were in the nearby Rehoboth St Mary’s Hospital to consider medicine. Actually I said that when were also at the accident, right after me and her got out of the car and she nursed my mothers wound.

So is now the time to say it? Praise the Lord. We survived. The stiches have been removed from my mother’s head wound. Suama is fine (she was shaken a bit), Raquel, I hope is recovering well, should call her, she has whiplash. I just have an inflamed tendonitis of the knee, but I am going to physiotherapy and icing so it should get better. Since then I have not been able to do my dance, the one I added too while my dad and blossom were taking photos on the side of the road and I was playing around. I praise the Lord for what I can do though, walking normally. This is my chance to come back stronger than I was before.

Surviving the accident really put some things in perspective. First I experienced what it meant to be hurt. I remember receiving and email update from Mana Christian fellowship and Sumin saying she got hurt in China (was during a concert, she fell in some pit or what) and I felt that. I realize now I could have prayed harder for her recovery – did I realize what exactly this meant? I had to come to terms with my own fragility. I am not only fragile, but as professor Cornel West so articulately put (I listened to a podcast with his 2006 Barry Ulanov lecture!) to be human is to realize I am destined for death and between now and then is my chance to do something. Do I just accept complacency, cowardice and the current circumstances or do I do something in spite of all that? Listening to a podcast by Bishop Gene Robinson, I found out, really the only thing I can offer other people is ‘the story of my own salvation’ especially members of this same Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Intersex community I see myself part off.

The second thin in perspective is just taking it easy. ‘Relax take it easy…’ goes that song by Milka and I definitely agree! I may have problems at work of me not communicating well with my boss and colleagues, delivering after the deadline, up to the point of my boss doubting whether I am ‘the right person for the job’ which caused me a bit of anxiety yesterday, but you know what, it don’t matter because I am alive. I am alive and we worked out a good ‘action plan’ from now on. The type of work I do at this public health organization is like consulting and I am so blessed to be working with my colleague Natasha who has offered to mentor me in this field. ‘Our first year in consulting is our training year, so we do get a bit of stick…’ she was telling me. So how did I end up in such a job? It is very stimulating, but hey, still it is after all just a job and I will be taking care of my health so no more late nights at the office (which I did often before the accident) or anything like that. I am only human after all. And did I mention Natasha is Christian, from Aruba and we get to speak Spanish in the office?

The third I realized, (I now realize there are more than three things I learnt from this experience), is the shortness of life! Ok here I want to write about something. What is it? Falling in love. Am I in love? Right after the accident, I called up this boy – Michael – who called me just before it happened, but I did not answer his call. I was quite impressed with his concern though upon hearing about what happened to me. I wanted to go out on another date with him, as we had our first date the week earlier. That same Saturday of the accident, I had a date set with another boy, Riaan. Riaan though did not call me, as usual he just texted. I told him I was in an accident, but for some reason, which was kind off a turn off he asked ‘so are we still on tonight?’ We rescheduled for the following week, but he totally bailed on me, as he actually confirmed our date. So I went out on a second date with this black boy Michael and never heard back from the white boy Riaan. Race I think does matter, because my general attraction for white boys must stem from the years of indoctrination that presented white people as the pinnacles of beauty. Being with Michael on the second date made me realize it matters so little, actually. But I am not with Michael. After the seocnd date, I wrote this poem

How do I write this piece?
On a paper or just in my heart?

Perhaps neither – in this computer – will suffice.

How do I write about you when I am not in love?

I just wanted to be held and hold you in that embrace.

Outside the Church and in the light

What a beautiful night.

Questa non è una ossessione, anzi è solo il fatto che sei affascinante,

E non ce la faccio a rinnegare questi pensieri di te.

Questo fascino.

Un abbraccio erotico ma non satanico

Pieno di eros ma niente lussuria

Direi

So that was my second date, with the first guy I have dated.

Will we date, I don’t know, we’ll wait and see how I feel tomorrow.

He knows I still look at guys as they pass go

So we will have to see

But let it be, what should be.

I did not feel like I wanted him tomorrow. Honestly, not really. I dreamt of meeting a Guataemalan guy at my work who was waiting outside my boss’s office, where a meeting was underway. I did not dream of him. I never actually approached him – he approached me one day at the shopping mall. There is no reason to keep seeing him. Yes, I have resolved, I have taken the decision, that we just be friends. There is still much I can share with him. He is a believer too.

Now I want to move on to speak about people I miss. I miss Craig Schindewolf quite strongly. I dreamt of him sometime ago, some days after the accident. He had longer curly hair. I think I was projecting how I look now onto him. I tried calling him on his cell phone, but each time I get voicemail. Where is he? Is he alright? He wrote too me on that Manna poster with the big group photo ‘thanks for being a true friend’. But why ‘thanks’ and the ‘being’? Was that it? Should our friendship end? Just because of the physical distance, une separation de corps?

Alright its 5:59. Time to do yoga and ice my knee. Time to get ready. A new day. The break of morn.

P.S. I would also like to know about your love lives and I want your advice on what to do next. All of my non-Christian or let me say, non self defining Christian friends such as Chinonto, Mariel, Jacob Denz, Lady Adjepong, would give me feedback and affirmation. But I know that some of Christian friends may not, simply because they can’t affirm something they believe to wrong. I am glad though that Rich Lopez posted a video update of his to song ‘Firework’ by Katie Perry. I love that song and have it even more since then. The lonely guy in the bar who intrepidly goes up and kisses another guy amidst the crowd. Singing that video, Rich, is affirmation enough. Although I could never do that, well not only because I would not have the guts to do it, but more so because I am work in public health and I think about Hepatitis B…yes it can be spread through droplets in the air and in Namibia it seems about 6% or so of the working population is positive for the Hep B surface antigen, which means they are actively infected (correct me if I am wrong Peter, perhaps you can explain the Hepatitis B story in simple way for us all).

Diary of a Gay Blood Donor

20 July 2011

Dear Diary
When I think of donating blood, I feel so good inside. I know some people are afraid of needles, while others are bit squemish when it comes to seeing their own blood flow into pouch that fills up to about a pint of liquid (as much as a dumpy), but I am willing to endure this so that another person may live. I asked my friend Henry to donate with me the next time I go. Like me, Henry is gay and he also believes in donating blood. But today I realized that to be gay and to donate blood carries a certain restriction one has to put oneself, a restrction on the desires of the flesh, if one could so speak:

Me: So we'll donate when u get back. Remember to use a condom and plenty of lube.
Henry: Ha ha lol, ur bad. I'll remember to tht whn I do my thang.

I remember sending him this text message when I found out he was on his way to Johanessburg, I know how easy it would be for him to find a man and have casual sex with him. It was then that I realized that Henry would not be able to donate if he had sex with a casual partner, even if it was protected! On the Namibia Blood Transfusion Service (NAMBTS) donor form there is question that asks:
'Have you had sexual intercourse with a casual partner in the last 12 months?' I therefore had to write Henry another message to warn him of what the consequences of casual sex would be:

Me: But if you have casual sex,you won't be able to donate blood with me ;(
Henry: Relax,Pancho, I'm not a manwhore, I'll donate with you.
 
The disclaimer on the NAMBTS form reads : '...because a condom is not 100% protection against HIV, you should not donate blood if you have had sex with someone who might be infected with HIV'.  My impressions of gay men in Namibia is that they are actively disqualifying themselves from donating blood. They are having sex with short-term or casual partners, and I have approached by more than one of them on more than one ocasion. I chose to stay an eligible blood donor and I hope Henry will too.

When HIV first appeared in the US 30 years ago, contimated bloood transfused to unsuspecting hemophiliac patients,who often lose blood due to uncontrolled bleeding, was the unfortunate consequence of the actions of HIV positive gay blood donors who believed they were saving lives. Since then, our screening techologies for HIV in blood have improved considerably, but are still not 100% sensitive. And as for gay men and other men who have sex with men, they are still statisically most likely to be infected with HIV in the US. Hence the question on the US blood donation form:'If you are male, have you ever had sex with another man since 1978?'  I was not even born then, but I would still answer no. But that may change once I decide to break the (unenforced) sodomy law of Namibia.
Then I would not be able to donate blood in the US.

However, I'm not in the US right now, I'm in Namibia. Here we can still donate provided we meet the criteria for low risk HIV infection, just like anyone else. This reason for this may be that the HIV epidemic amongst MSM in Namibia is thought to be just part of the larger generalized HIV epidemic amongst Namibians .This is not the case in Johannesburg (where Henry was going!). A study in Johanesburg found found men who have sex with men to have significantly higher HIV prevalence rates than that of the general population, a situation similar to that in the US and Western Europe. So while you can get married in those places, you can't donate blood as a gay man (though efforts are underway to repeal this, at least in the UK). In Namibia, we can donate blood and lets keep it that way. I pray that Not Another Man's Blood Test Seropositive (NAMBTS) for HIV. And as for marriage, it will come eventually.

--
Pancho Mulongeni
Communications Officer
Namibia HIV Clincians' Society
writinghealth@gmail.com
+264 814456286

--
Pancho Mulongeni
Communications Officer
Namibia HIV Clincians' Society
writinghealth@gmail.com
+264 814456286

July 16th

I at home and in my room, just beyond the corridor I can hear my aunt’s (my mother’s friends speaking). The discussion is now about a different clans and the maternal and paternal systems. ‘We all belong to different clans’ ‘A group of your family has a name’ says Maria to Aunty Marta’s daughter, who is a teenager , born in the new Namibia and may not know about this. ‘Clan is your blood line’ says auntie Peggy, ‘You are a cow,’

Ofamilie ya tate gwoye (your father’s family), also says Aunty Maria. ‘Tell me I’m your mother’ says Aunty Marta to her daughter , ‘Aunty Maria already explained it to me’ came the reply from the irritable teenager

‘Why do they call you Makena?’

‘I don’t know!’ comes the moaning reply.

So here I am in Namibia, with my family, in my house, with my mother and brother. Sure I cannot do everything that I would like to do now, but still I should enjoy these moments.

I wanted to perhaps spend hours and hours writing more about my life, my failed attempts at getting a boyfriend (ok or getting a date), my advocacy (today I went round our neighborhood telling people about a biodiversity talk aimed at raising awareness about green open spaces in city coming Thursday – I got their emails and I will send out reminders).

There is only so much I can do in that department.

And then, I would love to continue my LGBT ideas – my picnic idea – the letter reading event and all.

Not to mention writing to the Namibian alumni of the United World Colleges and telling them about the Botanical gardens event and so many other events.

Then there is the mundane stuff: revising my budget, doing my laundry, fitting in the lock in my door which does not close (perhaps I should start with that!)

And today is Saturday evening the first day of the week, this week my father’s birthday week (somehow) I count the week according to the Jewish way, sunset to sunset. That’s why Friday one hour before sunset up to Saturday one hour after Sunset I try and relax from the about 9 hours a day I work during the working week

Its really crazy! And then I want to write to so many of my friends: Mariel, Emilie, Mohammed, Karlis, Ellen-Marie, Roderick, Marco, Danny, Michael Kowen, Josh Weinstein, Daniel (Molbio major in my class, black, studies medicine UNC chapel hill).

I feel this heaviness. This utter heaviness of being overwhelmed. Should I even go to the Christian youth group?

Devrais-je écrire à Rickie?

Oh mon Dieu, aide moi, parce que je ne reussirai pas autrement.

Fui andando por mi barrio sensibilizando la gente sobre el encuentro de la biodiversidad,

¡ Hay mi curso de español que empiece este semana!

Tengo que hacer planes concretos. Hay que hacerlos y prioritizar.

Y por lo tanto, no hago matemáticas todos los días, ¿estoy poniéndome menos flexible en mi mente ¿¿o qué efectos supone no hacer estos ejercicios todos los días?

Ok let’s do a priority list:

1. Replace the door handle in your room.
2. Poster: Town-Thumb tacks, Biodiversity meeting-WB
3. Go to Yoga (Sunday)
4. Door your laundry (and math while you wait)
5. Write the reminder for the Botanical Talk
6. Pray Pray Pray.
7. Go to the Office: Proofread Bophelo! Report
8. Email: Biodiversity invite to Dorado people.
9. Go to the HIV Society Meeting
10. Go to mass
11. Go home, rest.

Monday

Poster: MET Levinson Arcade, MET.

Plan work items: WHO paper, CoW issues/questions, ART study: tie up Uganda, NGO study: set interview times.

LUNCH DADDY BIRTHDAY

Spanish, Anuncio PolyTech

Dance

Tuesday

Lunch Claire of the FNCC

Wednesday

Spanish

Send reminder about BIODIVERSITY TALK

Thursday

Biodiversity Talk

Friday

Diaries of a gay blood donor

So this is what you could call a hobby. Its Saturday, and I am using this day as one to reflect upon. More importantly, I use to as a chance to let my creative juices flow unbridled in my writing. I may even be inspired to choreograph from this, but let me write about it.

Diary of a gay blood donor

Monday 13 June 2011

Today was the day I gave my presentation on the level of HIV infection in the Namibian workforce. I remember though, before I gave the results of Wellness Program – through which this data was collected – the CEO of the Namibian Business Coalition on HIV/AIDS gave the introductory remarks. Listening to him as I say just to the left of the podium (dais) from which he was speaking, I remember ‘this year marks 30 years since the discovery of HIV in San Francisco…we should remember how far we have come…25 million people have died of AIDS and 30 million are infected, and as you know, Sub-Saharan Africa is where most of them live’. He was addressing the business community in the context of diminishing funding for HIV interventions in Namibia, where HIV is truly a generalized epidemic, affecting both men and women, straight and queer people alike. ‘Are you telling me my son is a queer?’ was the line of the father as he stood in front of the cadaver of his son, alongside a doctor – the lead character in the film ‘And the Band Played On’. That is the only scene I remember from that film which chronicles the way HIV devastated the community of men who have sex with men in 1981. The epidemic spread beyond that community in the 30 years since then, as we know, but in the US gay men still are statistically more likely to be HIV positive. So that’s why in US, I could never donate blood. But I donate here in Namibia. The Namibia Blood Transfusion Service has the acronym NAMBTS. For me it means may Not Another Man’s Blood Test Seropositive for HIV. Lest they also bar us from donating here.

13 Julio 2011

Para mí, hay muchas cosas buenas de vivir en Namibia, aunque la unión entre dos hombres no se reconoce por el estado. Sí que puedo caminar por la calle en plena luz y fijarme en los chicos que me pasen (¿y éste se dará también la vuelta al pasarme para mirarme mi?) Otra cosa bonita es no tener miedo de expresar su propio atracción siempre y cuando te encuentres en un sitio público tal como una tienda. Hace dos días conocí a un chico que trabaja como dependiente en una tienda portuguesa dónde íbamos a menudo antes de mudarnos al barrio en el que ya vivimos. Al inicio le pregunté por su aspecto cansado y él no hesitó decirme estar cansado dado que estuvo trabajando desde las ocho de mañana y entonces eran sobre las cinco de la tarde. Me pareció muy interesado en charlar conmigo, quizás porque le hacía falta el contacto con otro ser humano o simplemente porque era agradable con todos los clientes. De todos modos, me dí una vuelta en la tienda para comprar mi pan integral (hacen un pan muy rico y negro allá – adoro el pan negro y en cambio me gustan chicos blancos como él). Al volver, dí el salto de preguntarle si quería almorzar conmigo y pasó así:

‘Espero que tengas por lo menos tiempo para descansar’ le dije

‘Sí tengo una horita de almuerzo cada día’ me contestó y no de inmediato se lo pregunté a no ser que me pusiera nervioso o tardara mucho tiempo en decirlo

‘Entonces ¿te apetecería almorzar con migo algún día?

Me dio una sonrisa y me fijé en su cara dulce y sus dientes irregulares, unos más grandes que otros, me parecía que no se esperaba a que le preguntara está pregunta que acabó de salirme a mí, que expresé sin equivocarme – fue claro que me entendió. No recuerdo bien lo que pasó pero recuerdo que me quité la bufanda mientras estuve esperando su respuesta como si quisiera mostrar mi sinceridad, sin alguna apariencia falsa.

De repente se puso una cara más bien seria y me dije ‘Sí Sí’

“Vale, y si dijera mañana, ¿qué dirías tu?” le hice la pregunta tras pasar el primer paso en este juego de ligar con él.

‘Mañana no me viene bien’ me contesté

¿Miércoles? sugerí

“Tampoco”

¿Jueves?

‘Sí jueves está bien’

No pusimos de acuerdo y le dije que como hay un café afuera – a unos metros de la tienda – podríamos irnos allá.

Bueno pero ya es miércoles y no tengo ni son número de móvil ni una confirmación verbal pues no nos vimos desde entonces.

¿Se lo olvidó ya o sigue pensando en mí tanto como yo en él? No se.

Pero, sea cual sea la conclusión de está historia, hay muchos sitios bonitos en Windhoek. Mi consolación es la multitud de hombres que voy a conocer en los días por venir.

December 1 2011

Good Morning

Today is world AIDS day

• Rights and freedoms lacking, but we have one right that gay people in the US, in SA and in most developed queer men (sisters are OK) can’t : donate blood.
• To be able … and keep on being able
• There are many things give up, but many ways of being queer.

July 2nd

So many thing have happened since that eclipse. The week after I went to an event organized by the LGBTI network. I met Etienne. Oh did we have a real life conversation? It was magical and what a connection.

Today I was with my neighbor Lorentia, at her house. I sat outside in her yard, with my back to her fence, in the dappled dying winter sunlight, I wrote this poem for Etienne. I had sent him a message last Sunday, after we met, through facebook, but there was not reply. Do I assume he is not into me or is it just that he needs time or that he is just cautious. Yikes! Along came a spider, right now, on my curtain. I do love arachinids, but not this kind, they are wide and flat with stripped legs. I could have caught it and fed it to the brown widow (Lactrodectus geometricus) that is handing just beside my wardrobe, over here. She is there, suspended waiting for prey.

Next week the national museum will be open including the arachnology department, where I spent many a good afternoon with Erin Griffin and the arachnids I came to love. I think I will meet interesting people there, just like I met these two Americans today the monthly walk at the botanical gardens – one an anthro student and his professor who is a department chair of a big well known US university.

Do you remember the line from Trick, the movie, I need to get it!

Miss Coco Peru: ‘So he comes in my eye and the next thing I know he’s out the door. Do you know what its like to have cum in your eye Gabriel, it buns! So I call the number he gave me the next and you know what it turns out to be the number of the Brooklyn Botanical Garden’.

I never went there, I guess I still can.

9^th July 2011. (9 de Julio 2011)

Nunca me ha contestado ese hombre, pero ya no me importa. Hay que decir que unas personas te contestan a su modo, es decir, no contestan, te ignoran a ti y luego lo entiendes que no quieren ligar contigo. Quizás eso fue lo que pasó con Etienne. Pero eso no importa más ni Philip – un germano namibio al que invité a almorzar conmigo hace casi un mes al conocerlo en el estudio de camel art y a los pocos minutos conocí a su novio –Memo que es mexicano. Aunque no me lo dijeron directamente, que eran una pareja, eso se hizo bastante obvio y no había que decirlo sino aceptarlo y entenderlo.

Bueno, ya estoy muy harto de todo eso, de está búsqueda interminable (me parece) de una pareja, de un novio entre los escasos hombres potenciales que se encuentran en esta ciudad. ¡Basta ya! Dios, ayúdame por favor, que tu paz me llene el corazón y que no me aleje de tu camino. Amen.